November 8, 2001

Daze Rant

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I wasn’t sure how to start this week’s Rant, but then the powers that be dropped a little inspiration on me. Two-hundred and thirteen pounds of it to be exact.

In case you missed out on one of the funniest stories of the year, on Tuesday former Dallas Cowboys’ offensive lineman Nate Newton was found to have 213 pounds of marijuana in the back of a van he was a passenger in. According to some sources down here at the Sun, this is a little more than a million dollars worth of weed.

Where the hell’s the party at, Nate?

Some interesting questions arise from this. First, how in God’s name do you procure and move 213 pounds of pot? And how much space does it take up? I weigh 150 pounds, and I know I’m denser than weed.

Second, the two guys in the van (including Newton) consented to let the cops search it. Now, I don’t know about you, but do you really think that the cops aren’t going to notice 213 pounds of weed in the back seat?

“Uh, what’s this, boys?”


It may not be arts, but it sure as hell is entertainment.

Along that thought process, “it’s not entertaining, but it sure as hell is art,” the music industry just unveiled the Shortlist Awards, which will be annually given out to artists and albums judged to be the best to sell under 500,000 copies of their record. If you’re poor enough that you’ve never sold 500,000 copies of your record, are you allowed to team up for limos to the awards show like on high school prom night? You know, 12 people climbing out of the back of a limo, looking (and smelling) like clowns emerging from a Jack Daniels distribution truck. Now that would be funny.

Speaking of important Jacks (no, not Jack Handey, though I love that guy … especially the one about “it takes a big man to cry, it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man” … great stuff), Michael Jackson is releasing a new album soon. Does this even need a joke? I’ll give you a hint and you can finish at home. “Michael Jackson loves children sooooo much, he _________________.”

Speaking of old people who have too much sex with younger people, I hope everyone caught the Friars’ Club Roast of Hugh Hefner. I think the best part of that was, no matter what anyone said about him, Heff was still thinking in the back of his mind, “Yeah, but which of you schmooes is going home to have sex with triplets tonight? I thought not.”

Oh, and on the subject of lingerie, has anyone noticed that Victoria’s Secret is going to do an underwear show on television soon? ABC no less. Explain to me how a network that wouldn’t run half the shows on the WB (and not just because they’re crappy) will allow models to parade a runway in underwear? It’s despicable, it’s dirty, it’s just what I’ll be watching on November 15th.

Let’s see… networks, attractive women, lotion. No, we’re not talking about E!, I’m actually referring to Boston Public. Let me ask you all something: you all went to high school, how many teachers did you have that looked like Jeri Ryan? Anyone, anyone? Bueller? Yeah, I thought not. I know this isn’t a reality show, but seriously, my GPA would be a full point higher if I had let her teach me a thing or two.

That’s enough outta me. Remember: keep your shoes on, your laces tight, and watch out for sobriety trolls. Those bastards will get you every time.

Archived article by Charles Persons