September 19, 2002

Gotta Have It

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Hot liquids are a man’s second best friend (cold liquids being number one and dogs coming in around eighth or ninth). But, too often we neglect the vital role of hot liquids in our everyday lives, and we suffer because of it. Where would we be without coffee? Or soup? Or tea? Well, we might be ok without tea, but there are a few hot liquids that don’t get their props. So, I went out in search of the very best of the very best in hot liquids. These are the things I found.

Your Very Own “Cribs”

Have you ever wanted to pretend to be Sisqo, without dying your hair platinum or wearing clothes with all kinds of dragons and crap on them? Me either. But, just in case you have, Jacuzzi can hook you up. The La Scala is the world’s largest in-bath home theater. The built-in entertainment center sports a 42-inch high-definition plasma monitor, full surround sound, a floating remote control, and a state-of-the-art DVD/CD/AM/FM stereo system. The Jacuzzi itself features ten fully adjustable jets, underwater lighting, and an 82 by 72-inch seating area equipped with two side-by-side ergonomic loungers. I would buy one of these things and then build my house around it. The only problem would be, after paying $31,000 price tag, I would be living in a van. And you all know there is no hot water in a van. (

The Working World

You know as well as I do that you’ll be unemployed for the next decade unless you lower your standards just a tad. With that in mind, the people at Delonghi have a fast-food training system that will put you light-years ahead of the average Burger King applicant. The Cool-Touch Roto Deep Fryer ($158) is the Spruce Goose of deep fryers (it’s not really big, it’s just awesome). This marvel of modern technology features a patented rotating basket that tilts food in and out of the oil, reducing oil absorption and yielding crispier, better-tasting fried food. It also includes an Easy Clean system that drains, filters and preserves the cooking oil with barely any effort at all. The best features are a “ready” indicator and a viewing window in the lid. Basically, all you have to do is chuck in some mozzarella sticks, push a button, and watch as it makes you a healthy, grease laden snack. Just remember that, even though the hot oil looks delicious, it will only give you severe burns and a bad complexion. After about a week on your own, you should be a master and on your way to assistant vice nugget coordinator. (

Wax On, Wax Off

Have you seen your feet lately? Or you elbows? Well, frankly they’re disgusting. And don’t get me started on your craggle hands. You, my friend, need a Therabath Professional Paraffin Bath ($160). It’s not so much of a paraffin bath as it is a bucket of hot wax, but that’s beside the point. The Therabath will do wonders for your dry, damaged skin, ease everyday stress and strains, and soothe away chronic pain — all with the power of wax. All you do is dip in the body part that needs relief (note that some body parts are recommended more than others) and let the wax form a rejuvenating seal around your skin. And, don’t let the owners manual fool you, this thing has a thousand more uses than they are ready to admit. Just imagine crafting your very own candles or homemade wax lips. Man, that would be great. (

Lava Lamp, Shmava Lamp

I’m pretty sure that I’m not going out on a limb when I say that everyone loves lava. Personally, I could watch lava flow all day. It’s relaxing, hypnotic, and destructive all at once. That said, the people at Volcano Video love lava even more than we do. I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s true. And, since we probably don’t have the time, money, or balls to go face to face with an erupting volcano, they have put together a collection of their greatest hits. Most of their footage is focused on Mt. Kilauea in Hawaii, but they actively film volcanoes from around the world. You might recognize their work from such films as Volcano, Dante’s Peak, and The Lord of the Rings. Now, you too can own the same high quality lava footage used by movie and television professionals. What more could you ask for? (

Archived article by Adam Matthews