So another semester is drawing to a close, and it’s time to honor (or dishonor) the teams, players, and events from the Cornell athletic community that made statements this fall. But it seems as though my fellow Assistant Sports Editor, Scott Jones, handed out his own awards in yesterday’s paper, forcing me to get creative.
With apologies to Bill Simmons, who made giving awards based on movie quotes fashionable, I present to you the fall semester according to Zoolander. Ladies and gentlemen, here is my eugoogoly for the fall semester of Cornell athletics…
“That Hansel’s so hot right now.”
Ready for this one? It’s the men’s basketball team, which is absolutely better than it was last year and worth seeing. In fact, head coach Steve Donahue — who’s a hell of a coach if you ask me — and his troops are playing up I-81 tonight at Syracuse. I recommend you make the trip. I sure will be at the Carrier Dome. Men’s basketball … so hot right now. Men’s basketball.
“The center has to be at least … three times bigger than this!”
You’d think senior wide receiver Keith Ferguson, who stands a mere 5-9, 149 pounds wouldn’t be able to accomplish much on the football field. You’d think he’d have to be at least three times bigger. But then you’d be wrong. Ferguson reeled in 70 passes for 852 yards, giving him 202 career catches and 2,569 career receiving yards. Those numbers are good enough to place the diminutive receiver at the top of the all-time Cornell lists. In addition, he became just the seventh Ivy receiver in history to record over 200 receptions. And did I mention he gives great quotes? We’ll miss Ferg down here at The Sun.
“I guess you can dere-lick … my balls, capitan.”
Harvard killed the Red in football. The men’s soccer team could only manage a tie against the Crimson. The Cornell field hockey team couldn’t even score against Harvard. Neither could the women’s soccer team or the women’s hockey team. The volleyball team lost twice to those pompous bastards. But the men’s hockey team made Hah-vahd look like chumps, and dammit, the icers are going to do it again. So Harvard, I guess you can dere-lick my balls, because that’s the sport that really matters around here.
“Listen to your friend Billy Zane. He’s a cool dude. He’s trying to help you out.”
Note to the presidents of the Ivy League schools: Listen to your student-athletes. They’re trying to help you out. This seven-week rule that you’re imposing on your athletes, the one that’s supposed to encourage athletes to participate in other activities, is only going to interfere with their training. That’s it. Student-athletes aren’t going to go take their extra seven weeks and join an a cappella group. They’ll just train on their own, without supervision. It sets the progress of Ivy teams back when compared to other programs, and it’s totally ineffective in what it’s trying to accomplish.
“Okay, what’s a while, like eight days? More?”
“Try a couple of years.”
Speaking of not scoring in a while … how about the non-conference opponents of the women’s soccer team? Eight regular-season non-conference games, eight shutouts for the lady booters. It took until the playoffs for a non-Ivy opponent to finally put one in the Cornell cage. So my question for those opponents who couldn’t score is … ‘How do you live?’
“In the computer! It’s so simple!”
It would be pretty simple to just let fans of Cornell athletics to turn on their computers and listen to the Internet broadcasts of events. But of course Cornell doesn’t like to make things simple. So now, if people want to listen to the audio of, say, a hockey or football game, it’ll cost them six bucks a month. Aside from athletes’ parents, alumni are the biggest audience for Internet broadcasts, and guess who’ll be a little peeved about having to shell out money for something that used to be free? The alumni, who might just be irked enough to withhold more than the equivalent of six dollars a month in donations.
“You’re Derek Zoolander! Yeah, you’re Derek Zoolander. You know what it’s like to be another model and be in Derek Zoolander’s shadow? You wanna hear something crazy? Your work in the winter ’95 International Male catalog made me want to be a model. I freakin’ worship you, man!”
This quote is dedicated to the men’s hockey team and my request to join the team on the ice for just 15 minutes of a practice this year. I’m not talking about the “Skate with the Red” thing that’s happening next week. I’m talking about a practice, full pads and all. Hell, I’ll even put on the goalie pads if the team needs someone to replace David LeNeveu in net during practice (as long as Doug Murray tones down the slap shot). Just 15 minutes, that’s all I ask. I promise I’ll try not to make myself look like too big a fool. I freakin’ worship you!
Well, that’s all I have for you. Thanks for reading, have a great break, and I’ll see you in January. Until then, as Hansel said, “peace, God bless.”
Archived article by Alex Fineman