February 6, 2003

Gotta Have It

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If I know anything, it’s that going to this school gives us all a lot of one thing: free time. So, to fill up all those endless hours you have just been wasting eating, sleeping, and maintaining your physical appearance, I have collected some items that will fill your life with joy and perhaps even introduce you to your next life-long hobby. Some require a little patience and some elbow grease, but each is guaranteed to change your life. Roll up your sleeves, turn off the boob tube, and conquer your boredom.


I know how disappointing it can be when the holidays are over and they take that miniature train out of the mall. In years past, you would have to wait an entire year for the chance to cram your four-year-old body into a dirty railroad car with two other kids covered in snot who smell like old milk. Well, today, no matter what your age, you can enjoy your own railroad year round. Lawntracks offers all the tools and equipment you’ll need to set up your very own pint-sized railroad in your backyard, including steel tracks available in different lengths and angles, mining cars, flat cars, railroad crossings, and gas-powered engines. The engine is the most important part of any train, and miniature trains are no exception. I recommend you go with their 5hp Universal Flyer. For $5500, you get working lights, a speed control, a shifter that can go both forward and reverse, and enough towing power to give all the neighborhood kids whiplash. Conductor’s hat sold separately. (lawntracks.com)


Remember when apples were a nickel, bread was a dime, and two bits could by you a fine steak dinner? Me neither, but if you do perhaps you would be interested in Leener’s homemade bubble gum kit. They know how much a pack of Wrigley’s can set you back these days. The kit includes enough bubble gum base, citric acid, and glycerin to make three pounds of gum. They also include two small bottles of liquid flavorings: bubble gum and tutti frutti. All you have to do is add corn syrup and powdered sugar. After some mixing, some cooking, and some cutting you’ll have your very own freshly made blow candy in less than two hours! (leeners.com)

Be a Fun Guy

So, your goldfish has died from complications from obesity, your house plants look like tumbleweeds, and your hamster escaped to find a better home in the walls of your apartment. What do you do? You still love taking care of things for that first magical week. Why should your death touch keep you from taking on a responsibility you can’t possibly handle? It shouldn’t, and Fungi.com now offers the perfect pet just for you: the indoor mushroom patch. They offer a number of kits featuring a wide variety of different mushrooms, including shitake, nameko, reishi, king tubor, and many more. Each kit comes with everything you need to cultivate your own thriving mushroom patch. All you do is place the mushroom block, a mixture of mushroom spores and sawdust, in a dark, temperature-controlled area, and kazaam! You have all the mushrooms you can eat and a whole bunch of new friends. (fungi.com)

The Sky’s the Limit

Walking everywhere can become quite a chore, and hounding your friends for a ride can get old after awhile. That’s why you should order the Adams-Wilson Choppy home built helicopter kit from Vortech. Each A/W 95 Choppy kit includes all the instructions and information you need to construct a true working helicopter. Features include: vertical take-off & landing, forward, backward, sideward and hover flight, easy, low-cost assembly, the ability to build from widely available materials, and standard helicopter-type control system. Although you don’t receive any actual helicopter parts or training, the Choppy kit is guaranteed to get you airborne in less than six weeks. Now, you can pretend to be Magnum PI without even having to grow a giant mustache. (vortechonline.com)

Archived article by Adam Matthews