February 6, 2003

Survival of the Students

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You’ve seen those Worst Case Scenario Guides they have going around. They tell you how to jump out of a plane or escape from quicksand. But what good is that going to do the typical college student? However, there are situations when we all could have used a little guidance. So here’s the daze take on Worst Case Scenario: Cornell.

Your car is old, the hill is large

First of all, whatever you do, don’t go up Buffalo. Or Seneca. Unless you have to, and eventually, you probably will. If you’re in an automatic, you probably have several different gears (under Drive it should say either 4, 3, 2, 1 or L1, L2). Put your car in a lower gear to get up the hill. If you’re in a manual, shifting to a lower gear should still help.

Your battery is dead

A quick lesson on how to jump a car. You need two cars. This cannot be overstated. Get your friend or a stranger or whoever to park their car so that it forms the top of a T, with your car forming the vertical line, leaving enough room for you to walk in between the two. If you’re on the street instead of a parking lot you can also put the second car parallel to yours. Open the hood of your car. Open the hood of the other car. Locate the battery on both. Always starting from the live car, attach the cables plus to plus and minus to minus. After you attach the last cable, turn on the dead car. The battery should jump. Take off the cables, check to make sure there are no foreign objects in there and close the hood. Drive the car around for at least a half an hour or until the battery rating is above 14.

The cornell curse strikes

There are approximately 19,000 students at Cornell (undergrad and grad). It’s inevitable that the person you’re talking about will be standing right behind you. What do you do? You have several options. You can pretend you knew the person was there the entire time: “John’s really a pretentious ass — aren’t you, John?” You can pretend that you’re talking about someone else who has — get this — the exact same name: “Oh no, I meant the other Toshie Kelly Gomyo.” You can attempt to negate the insult by attaching a qualifier to the end: “Yeah, she’s a dog — if Grace Kelly is.” If you’re