April 3, 2003

Gotta Have It

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Writing about gadgets and other goodies week after week has left all of my usual resources drained of anything that could be identified as new or exciting. This week, I hope to let the wells replenish themselves by writing about some things that I wish existed. Most of these things have been on my mind for some time now, and I think it is about time that I shared them with the world. I come up with ideas like these all the time, but usually I have no way of making my dreams a reality. My hope is that one or more of you will be able to do something with these ideas and change the course of human history … but no pressure.

In Your Dreams

I’m going to start with what I think is my best idea: the Dream Recorder. This machine records the dreams out of your head like a VCR records programs from your TV. Not only would the Dream Recorder be the best entertainment I can imagine, but it would also eliminate two things I hate about dreams. First, I wouldn’t ever have to go through the process of explaining an amazing dream to one of my friends only to have them look back at me like they’re dying of boredom. Second, I wouldn’t end up with all of these scraps of paper lying around my bed with gibberish written on them after failed attempts to remember my dreams exactly as they happened. I have no idea how this machine would work, but my best guess is that it would involve the brain, electricity, and a whole bunch of wires. The Dream Recorder would also change the entertainment industry forever. No longer would entertainers have to work for years and years to develop their craft and reach deep down into their souls for performances. America’s next generation of superstars would be people who loved to sleep and had the best dreams.

Cinema Cocktail

If the Dream Recorder can’t work, my next best idea is a machine that combines the characters, plots, and settings from different movies and makes a giant mutant cinematic experience. I’m not sure how this would work either, but I assume it would involve computers. You might be having a hard time forming a clear picture of what I’m talking about so I’ll give you an example. Imagine Nick Nolte, Gary Busey, Kurt Russell, Patrick Swayze, Bill Paxton, and Bill Pullman in a buddy flick that combines 48 Hours, Dirty Dancing, and Casper. The movie would focus on three separate pairs of police officers tracking down a killer while training for a dance contest at a haunted summer camp. The possibilities are endless. Here’s my number one tip: adding Michael Keaton from Beetlejuice to any other movie will instantly create the funniest movie you have ever seen. Plus, Mike could sure use the royalty checks right about now.

The Short List

These last few propositions are a little less thought out than the last two, but with some work they could be just as important for humanity. One idea I have been thinking about is a machine that makes rainbows. Not only would a rainbow machine be useful for weddings and parties and such, but it would also give me the chance to catch leprechauns. I’m not interested in the gold so much as I am the wishes. Another idea I can’t get out of my head is the hoverboard from Back to the Future Part II. Okay, so it’s not my idea, but people have been lying to me about this thing actually being developed for so long that I think it might be possible by now. Just remember that it won’t work over water. Actually, you’d probably have better luck in the DeLorean. Finally, I’m really hoping that someone will concoct a mixture of synthetic hormones that can be injected into athletes giving them unimaginable levels of strength, quickness, hair loss, violent rage, and testicular shrinkage. That would be great.

Archived article by Adam Matthews