April 17, 2003

Gotta Have It

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I’m getting older and so are you. Our time is running out. Soon we will be wearing collared shirts and slacks everyday, losing our hair, finding fleshy growths on unmentionable parts of our bodies, and attending PTA meetings. If any or all of those apply to you already, I apologize. But, I’m not going out like that. I’ve seen old people in action and I want no part of it. So, what are the little things that might help me cling to the last scraps of youth I have left? This week I went out in search of a few things that will do that just that, and I decided to share them with you out of the kindest of my heart.

Fruits of Very Little Labor

Ok, first things first: eating right. I know things got a little crazy when they changed from the four food groups to the pyramid, but you can still be saved. All you need is the Fruit Saver. Using its patented thermoelectric technology, the Fruit Saver doubles the life of your fruit and vegetables, while still allowing them to ripen to the peak of their flavor. The cooling system circulates a cool 52 to 58-degree airflow over and around your produce, creating the ideal environment for slowing the aging process and preserving the nutrients, flavor and crispness of fruits and vegetables. I know this pretty much sounds like a little refrigerator, but I assure you that there’s more to it than that. At the very least, it has a clear lid, so you’ll be able to watch your fruits and vegetables rot in style. I really need one of these. My refrigerator doesn’t close all the way, so most of what I buy goes bad within a week. On a positive note, I’ve learned how to make cheese one gallon at a time. (technoscout.com)

Body Work

Do you hate water but love the idea of swimming? Then, you need the AquaToner. Billed as an in-home personal trainer, the AquaToner reproduces the workout your legs would get swimming laps down at the Y. All you do is lie down on your back, put your ankles on the unit and turn on the timer. AquaToner does the rest, producing a gentle rocking motion that provides stimulation that starts out at your feet and gradually progresses up your legs. I chose this machine because it seemed like the easiest exercise ever. You are lying on your back while a machine moves your legs. Enough said. If you want to kick your work out up a notch, get your hands on the Igia ElectroSage 8. This massage system attaches to your body with jelly covered electrodes, and stimulates your muscles with an adjustable amount of electricity. Your face will be toned, your abs will be sculpted, and people will be bouncing quarters off your butt left and right, all without moving a single muscle voluntarily. Even if you’re not into working out, the ElectroSage 8 can be a source of hours of entertainment. This summer we hooked up a similar but much more powerful device to my friend’s face causing a painful combination of seizures and convulsions localized in the muscles of his head and neck. The thing about it is that the machine sends out electricity in pulses, so right as he was trying to get the electrodes off his face he’d get hit again. We also hooked it up to his arm and made him try to drink a glass of water. You had to be there. (technoscout.com and igia-shop.com)

Mouth Rot

Do you have trouble making new friends? Do your conversations rarely last more than five seconds? Are you constantly looking for dog doo in your apartment, even though your don’t own a dog? Well, in case you didn’t know, all old people have bad breath. It’s just a matter of wear and tear and an over abundance of pickled foods in their diets. My suspicion is that this is your problem too, but to make sure go order a BreathAlert system today. The unit has a microchip sensor that quickly displays four levels of breath odor: no odor, slight, moderate or strong. Just hold the palm-size unit to your mouth, breathe into the BreathAlert for three seconds, and you get an instant digital reading. Ok, now that we know you have the mouth rot, it’s time we did something about it. You need the TheraBreath System. With a combination special toothpaste, mouthwash, oral spray, and mints all containing Oxyd-8, Therabreath targets all types of bad breath, including morning breath, food odors (from onions, garlic and coffee) and smoker’s breath. If your mouth is still swollen with infection and you continue to lose teeth after six weeks of use, the company recommends you see a dentist or oral surgeon. (technoscout.com)

Archived article by Adam Matthews