September 11, 2003

Sunspots

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The Sun is delighted to report that Cornellia, the plastic cow that went missing from its customary spot on top of Stocking Hall last week, was found early yesterday morning in a paddock (what’s a paddock?) at the large animal facility in the vet school. The Cornell University Police Department, always at the forefront of Ithaca law enforcement, transferred the cow to the custody of Dairy Bar personnel (the Dairy Bar has personnel?) at 2 p.m.

We were recently watching television because we all have so much free time, and discovered that the United Methodist Church’s motto is “Open Hearts, Open Minds, Open Doors.” Cornell claims to be a secular institution. Yet, Cornell’s new and improved mission statement is, of course, “Open Doors, Open Hearts, Open Minds,” cemented right on the mousepad of every freshman. Further investigation of this matter is unlikely to follow.

Speaking of such things, Cornell’s motto is the only English motto in the Ivy League. Actually, Harvard’s motto is “Veritas” and Yale’s motto is “Lux et veritas.” Coincidence? We’re not sure; we only dwell in the vernacular here in Ithaca.

By the way, in accordance with our never-ending mission to prove that, despite what U.S. News & World Report and the rest of the academic world believe, Cornell is a better university than Harvard, it is with much glee that we relay this:

Last year, an unnamed high school senior wanted desperately to make this fine institution her new home. She was, however, waitlisted and ultimately rejected from Cornell, while Harvard happily admitted her. The Cornell admissions department told The Sun this happens all the time. See … don’t you feel superior now?

It has come to The Sun’s attention that the Anti-War Coalition has decided that their name is out of date. Apparently, the war in Iraq is over. In a recent e-mail, the group was asked to decide exactly why they exist. “Do we want to present ourselves as a group fighting for peace all over the world? Anti-militarization? Bringing down violent and oppressive regimes?” Wow, don’t shoot too low there, folks. What has the group come up with so far? Try these for a bunch of winners: CenterPeace, Peace and Justice, Peaceful Justice (hey, folks, that one’s been used before), or the Anti-Imperialist Coalition.

Victoria’s Secret recently opened a store at Pyramid Mall. An informal poll of the newsroom has revealed that the opinion section of The Sun has the most use for said store. Said section has two editors.

Archived article by Sun Staff

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