November 18, 2003

PTI – Cornell Style

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I’m sure most of you have seen ESPN’s gem of a show, “Pardon the Interruption,” weekdays at 5:30 p.m. Basically, the show consists of Washington Post sports columnists Mike Wilbon and Tony Kornheiser arguing about the day’s sporting event, with each topic getting about a minute of discussion. What would the show be like if they talked Cornell sports?

MW: Pardon the Interruption, by I’m Mike Wilbon. Hey Tony, did you catch the Cornell men’s hockey game on TV on Friday or were you already asleep?

TK: I’m Tony Kornheiser, and you’ll be very surprised to hear that I stayed up to catch the game, although I fell asleep during the second intermission.

MW: Wow, I’m impressed.

TK: Welcome to PTI, boys and girls. In today’s episode, Wilbon and I yack about Cornell sports. You may have noticed the Cornell football helmet that adorns the set behind us.

MW: Tony, the men’s hockey team put up only four goals on the weekend after scoring seven last weekend against Princeton alone. What’s going on with their offense?

TK: Let me tell you something, Friday’s broadcast of the game against Clarkson was one of the worst I have ever heard. Let’s see, the color guy was a Clarkson alum, and both of the dopes kept pronouncing the players’ names wrong. Ryan Veshee? Greg Hornsby? Take a minute and get it right! It’s not that difficult. But listen, you don’t just go up to the North Country and expect to blow out Clarkson and St. Lawrence. That’s a tough road trip.

MW: Speaking of tough road trips, the Princeton Tigers went into the Bright Hockey Center for the second year in the row and took down the Harvard Crimson. You’d think the Crimson would learned to take the Tigers seriously after being embarrassed last year at home.

TK: When I saw the 2-0 score in favor of Harvard, I thought, “That game is over.” Then, out of nowhere, Princeton scores four unanswered goals to come away with the win. I bet your boy Mark Mazzoleni is feeling really stupid now. This was a trap game if I ever saw one.

MW: Moving back to Cornell, the women’s volleyball team capped off one of the most successful seasons in program history with a weekend sweep of Yale and Brown, and compiled a 21-4 record with an 11-3 record in the Ivy League. Hey Tony, you ever watch a volleyball game?

TK: As a matter of fact, I caught the Red’s tilt against Penn last week, and let me tell you, it was one hell of a match. This team is exciting to watch, and I also loved the rowdy members of the track team heckling the Penn players.

MW: It’s Role Play time. Tony, you are Ken Dryden ’69, former Cornell and Montreal Canadiens goalie. You led Cornell to the only undefeated, untied season in college hockey history, but you didn’t make the short trip down to Buffalo to catch the Red play in its first Frozen Four in 33 years. What were you doing?

TK: Well look, I’ve been very busy trying to help the Leafs win their first cup since 1967. We have the second-longest Cup drought behind the Blackhawks. But I’ll tell you what, I was very impressed with the team’s run last season to the Frozen Four. And it will please you to know that we signed Cornell’s own Joe Nieuwendyk ’88 in the offseason.

TK: Next one up, Wilbon, you are the Section A student who during the first hockey game against Western Michigan lobbed a soda bottle at the opposing coach as he was leaving the ice. What do you have to say in defense of your outrageous behavior?

MW: Well Tony, I was very upset that the team came away with a tie. I can’t think straight when the team doesn’t win, so I kind of just threw my soda at the opposing coach, it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Fortunately the ref didn’t catch me, so maybe I can throw some fish at Mazzoleni in two weeks.

MW: Last one Tony, you are President Lehman ’77. You helped participate in the $10,000 Field Goal Challenge this past weekend at the football game against Columbia. What are your thoughts on the event?

TK: Hey I’m just glad I didn’t get kicked in the head. Seriously though, there’s no way anyone is going to make that kick. At least with a half-court shot at a basketball game, there’s a small chance it could go in, but a 45-yard field goal with the wind blowing against you? They might as well have dumped the $700 they spent into the stands. That would have been worth watching!

MW: It’s time to find out what we messed up, Stat Boy…

SB: Well Wilbon, contrary to popular belief, Dryden was not a member of the 1970 undefeated, untied team. He led the Red to its first national title in 1967 but had already graduated when Brian Cropper backstopped the ’70 squad to its perfect season.

TK: We’re running out of show, let’s go to the big finish! This Saturday, the men’s hockey team faces off against THE Ohio State University. Who do you like, Wilbon?

MW: Tony, the Buckeyes lost Ryan Kesler and R.J. Umberger, and the Red is looking for revenge for its 1-0 loss to Ohio State at the Everblades last season, so I’m taking the Red, and I’m also picking Michigan to take down the Buckeyes in Ann Arbor beforehand.

TK: Well, that’s all the time we have for today. We’ll try to do better next time. I’m Tony Kornheiser.

MW: And I’m Mike Wilbon, we’ll be back next Monday, as we’re being preempted by more golf.

TK: I hate when they do that. Who wants to watch golf over our show?

MW: You’ve got quite the ego there, Tony.

Archived article by Jonathan Auerbach