September 30, 2004

Campus Couture

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Ever been in the heat of the moment, when suddenly you take off your pants and the next thing you know, your date”s out the door? Actually, this has never happened to us, but take heart: we have the cure. The problem may be as simple as your choice in underwear. Here”s a suggestion: go take a look through your drawer of ‘unmentionables.’ Are they faded, ratty, or threadbare? Do they belong in a porno? Could they have been hand-me-downs from Grandma? Then read on. You really need our help, and we’re here to give it.

Brazilian Panty

You may want to do some ‘personal maintenance’ before donning these skimpy skivvies. We know you”re going for the exotic look, but that”s no reason to resemble a South American rainforest. So make an appointment with your favorite waxer. After all, it”s not called Brazilian for nothing.

Boy Briefs

Despite the ‘boy brief’ moniker, could you really imagine a guy squeezing into these? They”re a lot more modest than the Brazilian thong, but just as sexy. If you are not a fan of the ‘perma-wedgie,’ then these are definitely for you. So give your cheeks a rest … and show the boys what they”re missing!

Ruffle Panty

Wanna hide some extra junk in the trunk? Then these throwbacks to the 1950s are for you. If your aim is to scare your date rather than seduce him, then put on these monsters … and redefine the meaning of ‘fanny pack.’

CK Boxer

So, you think your abs are worthy of being displayed in Times Square for the world to see? Then check out Calvin Klein”s famous boxer briefs (and give us a call at 555-5309). And don’t worry about us checking out your ass — the entirety of Times Square is doing it, too.

Abercrombie Boxers

If you aren”t quite so confident about your assets, try these more forgiving boxer shorts. We”re not saying you have anything to hide, but just in case you do, these are a bit less revealing. We know you like to keep her guessing. But if you”re lucky enough to get to third base … well, we can”t help you there.

Sheer Bikini

For the guy who likes to bear it all, this one”s for you. We admire your confidence, but if we discovered that a potential hookup was wearing these, he”d be spending the night alone. After all, no girl likes a guy to have panties smaller than her own.

Archived article by Wendi Kane and Katie Azzaro