September 30, 2004

Viewer Discretion Advised

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Relax boys; they”re all finally legal. True, Lindsay”s father is a convicted felon and she”s already been seen carousing around town in the company of every tabloid”s wet dream, the published author/sometimes porn star known as Paris Hilton. Mary Kate suffers from a rare eating disorder that causes her to ingest her dinner through her nose. And Hillary somehow felt justified in covering The Who”s angst-ridden youth anthem ‘My Generation,’ crowning herself the new spokeschick for, like, totally angry teens everywhere and even went so far to change the iconic lyric ‘Hope I die before I get old’ to ‘Hope I DON”T die before I get old.’ Uh, that sort of makes a big difference. But hey, at least they”re all finally legal. Let”s take a look at how these “tween queens keep themselves occupied when they”re not simultaneously trying to uphold their rights to privacy while still attracting as much media attention as humanly possible. Funny how that works out, huh?

The Lizzie McGuire Movie

When I graduated from 8th grade, my fellow classmates and I were awarded with a trip down the street to our district”s high school. But for Lizzie McGuire and the gang, middle school graduation means a trip to Rome. To further add to Ms. McGuire”s good fortunes, Lizzie happens to look identical to an Italian singing sensation (which I guess is what happens when they”re played by the same actress) and proceeds to live out the pop-star fantasy. Luckily, not even a complete inability to speak the Italian language can convince the adoring public that Lizzie is, in fact, a fake.

New York Minute

Despite identical genetic make-ups, Jane (Ashley) and Roxy (Mary-Kate) couldn”t be more different, in a manner reminiscent of every other movie featuring a set of twins. However, when they both coincidentally cut class on the same day, they”ll have to join forces to battle the evil forces of the Chinese mafia. It”s a sad day indeed when a Bob Sagat cameo is the best thing a film has going for it.

Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen

When Mary (Lindsay Lohan) is forced to move from New York City to New Jersey, she feels that her life is, like, totally over — and understandably so. However, Mary learns to seek solace in the smaller pleasures of life — namely, compulsive lying, and even goes so far as to lie about her name and fabricate the death of her father. Needless to say, the popular girls are none too pleased upon learning about such indiscretions, but do not fear. At the risk of giving too much away, things totally work out in the end. You deserve better, Lindsay. Way better.

Mean Girls

I have no idea how quick-witted scribe and Saturday Night Live regular Tina Fey managed to sneak a legitimate plot and actual humor into a movie about Lindsay Lohan”s high school exploits with the popular clique, but, my god, she actually did it. Amazing. I love you, Lindsay.

Archived article by Talia Ron
Red Letter DAZE Staff Writer