January 27, 2005

Publicists Attempt to Rescue the Unsalvagable

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Being a teenager sure is hard! Add to the mix a way-hotter sister, an epic battle with acid-reflux disease, a band so inept that they make their leading lady look like Milli Vanilli and a less-than gracious welcome from 72,000 hammered college football fans and well, that would be enough to cause any alienated youth to dye her hair black in rage and despair. Indeed, it’s been a rocky few months for Jessica Simpson’s kid sister. To date, over 156,000 concerned Internet users, apparently disillusioned by Ms. Simpson’s inability to meet the sky-high musical standards usually held by those who endorse online petitions, have signed a document demanding an end to our dear Ashlee’s “horrible singing.”

And, in case that’s not enough for one rebel girl to handle, a reputable fashion magazine has recently decided to yank fair Ashlee from their cover. How does it feel when a magazine no longer wants your mug on their cover? In such harrowing times, we turn to you, oh wise publicist, for some answers to explain the inexplicable. And this is what we get from you: “We were less than thrilled when they alerted us that they would be revoking this cover offer.” Hmm, let’s see. Exposing yourself as a fraud on a well-known late-night sketch comedy show, demonstrating to a crowd of 72,000 why your lip-synching is better for everyone involved and accumulating scores of bitter adversaries on the Internet, eventually culminating in being released from the cover slot of a prestigious fashion mag? Hmm, I guess that would be “less than thrilling.”

Of course, publicists have seen more troubling labor than cleaning up the image of a less than vocally gifted teen idol. Such was the fate of one Allan Mayer, R. Kelly’s publicist. As an anxious public dealt with the fact that the man who helped children believe that they can fly (along with touch the sky and soar, if they are so inclined), was videotaping himself doing the horizontal horah with the Bat Mitzvah-aged set, they turned to the publicist for answers. Instead, we get this: “We have heard second-hand reports that the tape allegedly shows consenting adults, including someone identified as R. Kelly, engaged in sexual activity. Since we haven’t seen the tape, we cannot confirm or deny that it is in fact Mr. Kelly. We can, however, confirm that no one is suggesting the tape depicts anything but the activities of consenting adults.”

Of course, celebrity publicists do more than clean up after their clients’ messes. They also remind us that stars are people just like you and me! After recovering from what Olsen rep Michael Pagnotta coined a “health related disorder,” Mr. Pagnotta informed the public that the twins were “pleased with their apartment,” which just so happens to be a $7.3 million penthouse with two master bedrooms. Well, buddy, thanks for clearing that one up!

Archived article by Talia Ron
Sun Staff Writer