February 25, 2005

Below the Belt

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Hey there, Lindsay Lohan’s dad. What’s your deal, man? I know you have quite a lot to be upset about. Maybe the original Parent Trap is your all-time favorite movie, but that’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s my favorite movie too. In fact, I like it so goddamn much that I have never stopped to question the feasibility of a plot which involves two divorced parents who never found it pertinent to inform their daughters that, somewhere, there happens to exist an individual with whom they once shared an egg. Yeah, I bet you really liked that movie too and I’m sure you were upset when they exploited your daughter in such a hideous remake of a nearly perfect film.

You must be pretty upset about what those balding, corporate fat cat record executives over at Universal have done to your daughter’s first album Speak. I know, you must silently throw up in your mouth every time you hear your precious Lindsay wail “Don’t wanna grow up/ I want to get out/ Hey take me away/ I want to shout out.” I, too, cringe at the thought of rhyming the word “out” with the word “out.” You see, the reason they sound so similar is because they’re the exact same word.

The notion that there is anything unnatural about the fact that your daughter was hospitalized for “fatigue” around her 17th birthday and emerged from the visit with a set of perfectly spherical D’s is totally unfair. That kind of thing happens all the time. Besides, everyone knows that child stars mature superhumanly fast. That little kid on Family Matters went from being two-years-old to being six-years-old in a matter of weeks and no one batted an eyelash. Why can’t they leave your daughter alone?

You see, Mr. Lohan, we know that you have plenty to be upset about and that’s totally understandable. But you’re gonna have to stop getting arrested. I really can’t emphasize this strongly enough. I know this may sound like a lot to ask of you, so I’ve formulated a few user-friendly tips to aid you in your quest.

First, you’re going to have to stop drinking and driving. This past weekend, you got arrested for drunk driving, when you crashed into a utility poll in your hometown of Syosset. Look Michael (I can call you Michael, right?), you’re really going to have to stop doing that. Now, I realize that there are plenty of people who have gotten away with drunk driving. However, you’re not that kind of person.

Another strategy is to stop physically assaulting people, especially family members. I’m sure many people have wanted to clock their brother-in-law at his son’s Holy Communion and I’m sure some have actually acted on this desire. But when you pull these sorts of stunts, you get arrested.

Another helpful hint to avoid more prison visits is to actually pay for items that you purchased. Remember that time this June when you charged $3,800 to your hotel room and skipped out of town before actually paying the aforementioned bill? If you order something, you will have to pay for it. Or else you will get arrested. And that’s precisely what we’re trying not to do anymore.

Archived article by Talia Ron
Sun Staff Writer