March 17, 2005

Below the Belt

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Alright, famous people. So you guys like to do it. And, quite honestly, who can blame you? Unlike us mere non-famous people, who are condemned to pathetic existences of plain, old-fashioned doing it, you celebrities get to do it in groups. You celebrities get to do it with minors. And, for all you celebrities who just so happen to be R. Kelly, you even have the chance to urinate on the aforementioned minors, because, hey, you’re R. Kelly!

Even if you’re one of those celebrities who are in the unique position of being involved with Elizabeth Hurley, your brand of “So what if I can’t really talk? Chicks love British accents, and my hair is so floppy!” appeal does not have to be wasted on one chick, even if she just might be the hottest chick ever. If you want to drop $1.6 million to get a blow job in the back of your rented BMW from a woman named Divine, then, by all means, you can do so, because, hey, you’re Hugh Grant!

Or maybe you’re a hotel heiress who has been bestowed with the unique honor of boning Shannen Doherty’s ex-husband. Perhaps you have sex so goddamn often that you’re honestly more concerned with your ringing cell phone than the 30-year-old media mogul who just so happens to be thrusting himself inside of you. I mean, hey, you’re Parish Hilton and you always have awkward, casual sex — it’s what you like to do in your spare time. In fact, you like mindless and meaningless sex so freaking much that you want to capture the moment forever …

And herein lies the problem. Hey famous people, we get it! You guys like sex. A lot. And that’s perfectly normal. Furthermore, I understand that when you really like to do something, you want to capture the moment on film. That’s just fine. You guys are celebrities. That’s what you do. But you’re going to have to stop videotaping yourselves having sex.

Perhaps it seems unfair. Perhaps there was once a time when there were fewer consequences in taping your horizontal hora sessions. I really can’t say. I have never been a celebrity in any historical era. But nowadays, there exists something called the Internet, whose sole purpose is to ensure that, if a famous person were to videotape themselves having sex, it will eventually be seen by every single human being in the universe. And by every single person in the universe, I literally do mean every single person in the universe.

This past week, a tape of Fred Durst putting his Limp Bizkit to action circulated the internet, forcing a generation of disillusioned youth to come to terms that:

a) There exists a young woman who videotaped herself having sex with Fred Durst.

b) There is some sort of market for a sex tape involving Fred Durst.

But despite the fact that this will inevitably be the least watched celebrity sex tape of all time, Fred Durst was not pleased. In fact, he was so upset that his inalienable right to have sex on videotape was violated that he sued 10 website operators who posted his film debut.

Look, Fred, we know you’re pissed. Quite honestly, I would like to sue those website operators as well, primarily for planting the image of you having sex in my mind. But answer me this Fred, did you really think this tape would never get out?

Archived article by Talia Ron
Sun Staff Writer