Ronald McDonald once said, “Variety in one’s appetite stifles geographic creativity … and catch that pesky Hamburgler — he yanked my shit!” But those of us who have eaten in the same place for more than two weeks often begin to think outside of the cafeteria in order to keep things interesting. Anyway, spring is pretty much here and we all know what that means — it’s now okay to free ball. Forget I said that. What I really mean is that it’s now time for Cornell boys and girls to be naughty again. The winter held you all in like caged nerds, waiting to burst out and run to class and the library. So now, I can tell you that I’ve compiled a list of the top ten places to eat your food on the CU campus. Many thanks to the sick and dirty minds of the Cornell Marine Biology Lab for creating mutant pond water to help me with this tantalizing list (see your favorite sex columnist’s similar top 10). Enjoy.
First, I have some disclaimers about worthy suggestions that didn’t make the cut. I would like to name the northeastern most corner of the Appel Commons as the officially “Lamest Place to Eat” on campus. C’mon, freshmen. You might as well not even rush if you eat there. It’s bad enough if you actually eat in the Commons (and it’s not that much closer to Mews than RPU is), but at least sit where people can see you and then possibly want to sleep with you. The runner-up: actually, anywhere in Appel Commons.
And now for the “Most Likely To Get You Yelled at by an Old Guy” award — Uris Library after 2 am. If you have the balls to sit there while working on something you should have started earlier than five hours before the deadline and eat a granola bar or some other snack … go right ahead, Evil Kneival. The adrenaline really starts pumping when the old man tells your punk ass that the library “isn’t a damn Arby’s.” (Double points if you throw your trash in the recycle bin and your recyclables in the trash). On the same note, the “Most Daring” award goes to eating Subway on the benches outside Mama T’s. They hate that because if you do, people will definitely start asking them for the Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki with chips and a fountain beverage. Customers only, wise guy.
Regarding the final lust … oops, I mean list, I must tell you that the numbers are somewhat arbitrary. But choosing between next to the naked statue outside the Statler and on the floor of the Plant Sciences building is like choosing between crack cocaine and cocaine sprinkled with a little bit of crack. So it’s okay to disagree. Just remember to have fun and please, be safe not sorry — use a napkin or paper towel.
10. The Terrace Restaurant between 11am and 2pm
Not the most creative one on the list, but just go by yourself, buy a ton of food and sit with a random group of hot girls. See how long it takes for them to tell you that their “friend” is sitting there and that she’ll be off of the salad line in two shakes of a lamb’s tail. If this happens, try to use a pickup line like “can you pass the salt?” and “Diet Peach Snapple gets me hot.” You animal.
9. B Lot.
Get your eat on in one of Cornell’s sexiest and most scandalous parking lots. Find a mini van or SUV and eat your sandwich or wrap on its hood or front bumper, but don’t get yourself a ticket Speedy!
8. A Lot
If you thought that B Lot was bad, wait ’till you picnic in this Ivy League landmark, known for wild behavior and ancient Chinese secrets. Rumor has it that there’s a big open space in the middle of it, which is perfect for sneaking a meatball sub or Dairy Bar ice cream bar. But be careful of fat people walking by — they have prying, hungry eyes!
7. Okenshields
Don’t actually go in there and pay for a meal like the rest of the weirdos who do; take food from the Okendshields’ neighbor/nemesis the Ivy Room and sneak it in. Have one of your friends or pets distract Happy Dave with a humorous anecdote or card trick, and run inside. Now sit and enjoy your naughtiness — now you’ll see what really makes Happy Dave so happy.
6. The Law School McDonald Moot Court.
Did someone say McDonald’s? Uhh, kind of. If the sophisticated, analytical crowd is more your speed, then grab some sushi and lie through your teeth on the witness stand — but make sure you floss to get all of that seaweed out. The Moot Court is Cornell Law School’s own “practice” litigation room, so be careful, or you’ll be found “guilty” of making a mess! And if don’t feel like talking with your mouth full, you can always plead the Fifth! Remember to use a napkin or hand sanitizer or something.
5. Binenkorb Computer Center, Hotel School
A sign on the door explicitly tells you not to bring food or beverage into the facility (they say water’s okay, but I’ve definitely gotten some dirty looks), so what better way to stick it to the man then bring your lunch into Computer Lab C and act like you didn’t even see the stupid thing? Actually, that was a rhetorical question, so I don’t think I need to answer it, uhh … what’s number 4?
4. Room 268, Goldwin Smith Hall
Anywhere in Goldwin Smith would be an awesome place to eat, but room 268 is notorious for playing host to English grad students who TA and teach weird writing seminars. Be careful of these artsy, anti-conformist, Kenneth Cole and Banana Republic models — they might just immortalize your soup eating into an affected sonnet or short story.
3. Ezra Cornell
Setup a little table in front of his statue on the Arts Quad and have a nice lunch with him. He’s a real talker, so be ready for an exhausting chat sesh with Cornell’s founder and most up-standing member! Also, make sure to angle your table so A.D. White can see what a great time you and Ezra are having, and what a grump he’s being by refusing to get out of his chair. Make sure to do it in the middle of a class-heavy day, too. You want as many people to see you sitting at a little table, having lunch with a statue as possible.
2. Out of your backpack, anywhere
Be a dirty little monkey and turn your Northface Hotshot or Gucci purse into a giant bag of chips, but don’t even think about sharing the bounty with onlookers — the fun of it is in being as sketchy as possible during class or on campus. If you really want to be crazy, pack a loaf of bread, assorted deli meats, and condoms … I mean condiments, along with a knife. Sit in class, and without looking, make a delicious sandwich.
1. Any sorority
They’ll have plenty of leftovers.
Archived article by Jon Rich
Sun Staff Writer