October 31, 2006

Rumsfeld Refuses to Believe Army’s Loss

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In a press conference yesterday morning at the Pentagon, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld refused to acknowledge the 26-7 loss of Army’s sprint football team to Cornell last Friday.

Instead Rumsfeld boldly proclaimed “Mission Accomplished” in reference to the Black Knights quest for their 30th CSFL title, which brought about anonymous shout of “Scoreboard” from a carnelian clad reporter at the back of the room who was quickly removed by secret service agents.

“It figures that those liberal wackjobs at Cornell would try and spin this as a defeat,” Rumsfeld said. “This is a matter of national security. If West Point’s best 172-pound cadets can’t beat those dirty hippies from upstate New York, pretty soon Al-Qaeda will be fielding its own sprint football team.”

The press conference then turned to the post game traffic jam, which eye witness accounts described as the worst quagmire since the Johnson administration. Rumsfeld claimed the administration’s exit strategy had worked exactly as planned.

“Apparently, freedom marches at about three miles per hour,” said one fan via cell phone, who was still trying to make a left turn out of the parking lot at West Point.

Rumsfeld himself played sprint football during undergrad his undergrad days at Princeton. He refused to comment on the current state of his old team.

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