A disproportionate number of these were overheard at Libe Café. Either you all need to get out of the library more, or watch what you say. Or you can keep it up, and keep them coming to firstname.lastname@example.org Thursdays in Daze.
Old woman 1: One of the few advantages to having cancer is…[distant look]
Old woman 2: What?
Old woman 1: I get to play the cancer card. At the theater, or when I’m asked to sit on a board. When I don’t want to do something, I can say, “My health is such that I don’t think I can do this.” You know, whenever it’s convenient.
Old woman 2: That must be wonderful
Old man: Did you watch the Oscars? That Jennifer “Holiday” was something.
Girl: Bill Nye?
Guy: Bill Nye the Science Guy.
Girl: He swing dances?
Guy: He does, and he puts me to shame, yo!
Boyfriend: I hate coffee, I hate tea, I hate people. What am I doing here?
Girlfriend: …[gets up and leaves]
Boyfriend: WAIT! Why are you leaving?
Girl 1: I wonder if we’ll have naked pillow fights like you always want sororities to do.
Girl 2: Oooh do you think so?
Girl 1: He thinks everything happens for a reason, and I’m like John, you just fucked up!
Girl 2: Yeah! I’m like “You don’t believe in God, why would you believe in Abraham?”
Guy: Dude, if I were a Muslim, I’d be the worst Muslim, because of the pepperoni.
White boy on Cell Phone: The goal tonight is to get as many STD’s as possible. [pause] Winner. gets $200!
Guy 1 in blistering cold: So I was thinking…
Guy 2: What?
Guy 1: I’m going to get a really fat girlfriend so she can keep me warm.
—Outside A.D. White House.
Guy 1: Hey, send that quote in to The Sun.
Guy 2: No, we can’t. It’s 1:00 a.m.; they’ll know we’re fucked up.
—North Quarry Street
Ditzy Chick: Yeah, so I am so ready for this test.
Guy: Yeah me, too. I have a mnemonic device.
Ditzy Chick: Wait, don’t sit next to me if you’re sick.
Hotelie Girl 1: She says she still wants to be a Hotelie.
Hotelie Girl 2: You should take her around for a day in the life of a Hotelie.
Hotelie Girl 1: She studies all the time!
Hotelie Girl 2: Yeah, that girl really likes to study. She should know what she’s getting into.