March 15, 2007

Why I Stopped Drinking Water

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There were a record number of submissions this week, so thanks to all of you who sent in! If you don’t see the material you’ve contributed, it may appear later. Good overhearing, everyone! E-mail [email protected] and eavesdrop on Cornell every Thursday in Daze.

Girl: Oh my God, I can’t believe I just hooked up with the entire room.
Outside frat house

Sorority Girl #1: Hey, what language do they speak in India?
Sorority Girl #2: Indian.
Sorority Girl #1: Nuh uh. That’s what the Native Americans speak.
Sorority Girl #2: Oh, right right.
Physics 203

Girl 1: Christ. This table is disgusting. Where’s the f—ing maid?
Girl 2: Um, you mean the busboy?
Girl 1: Whatever.
Terrace Café

Older man: I opened up a Pandora’s box.
Older woman: Oh, really?
Older man: I got myself on Facebook.
Mattin’s Café, Duffield Hall

Girl 1: Sorry, I would’ve called you earlier but SOMEBODY left SOMEBODY’S cell phone in SOMEONE’S room last night.
Girl 2: Nick’s?
Girl 1: No.
Girl 2: Tim’s?
Girl 1: No.
Girl 2: The OTHER Nick?
Girl 1: No.
Girl 2: Then who? Who ELSE did you hook up with last night??
Girl 1: Shit, I forgot his name. This could be a problem.

Girl: There’s not much to do now. I bet that’s why so many babies are born in September, because it’s six months after March.
Guy: Yeah but it takes nine months.
Girl: Ohhhh.

Guy 1: That’s not what a radio station looks like. At least none that I’ve seen.
Guy 2: That’s probably because it’s the radio and you can’t see it.
Guy 1: Oh, good point.

Professor: So, contrary to popular belief today, we now know that the world is not, in fact, round.
Sorority Girl #1: Wait. Wait, WHAT? The earth isn’t round?
Sorority Girl #2: Umm, hello? You didn’t know that?
Sorority Girl #1: So, like what is it then? Flat?
Physics 203

Female: They didn’t tell him they were going to a dungeon. They put him in a box. A fat man touched him.
Risley Dining Hall

Hockey Fan #1: Wow, that was the craziest brawl I have seen at a hockey game in a long time.
Hockey Fan #2: Haha, yeah. I think all the players saw “300” last night.
Lynah Rink after the brawl

Freshman Genius: If you drink too much liquids, your brain will become all watery. That’s why I stopped drinking water. Now I only drinking alcohol.
Clara Dickson