January 24, 2008

A Modest Proposal: Mix’s Solution to World Hunger

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The idea was hatched in the bathroom at Ruloff’s, mere minutes after a bunch of obnoxious Giants fans ruined Trivia Night by screaming “Let’s Go Giants!” during every question. In retrospect, it’s probably the best idea conceived in a bathroom since Doc Brown from Back to the Future thought up the flux capacitor after hitting his head on the toilet. My idea? End world hunger by turning Patriots and Giants fans into food.
Now, I know this proposal is a little out there, and you may accuse me of watching a little too much Sweeney Todd. But hear me out. We all know that many people in the world are malnourished and dying from hunger, which is one of the greatest afflictions that the world has to deal with. My modest proposal successfully channels Jonathan Swift and might solve the problem.
We all know that Pats fans taste mildly salty and have a faint aroma of pickles. But it is also true that their toes taste like chocolate. Furthermore, I have heard a persistent rumor that the Raisinets company was founded by an angry Dolphins fan from New Hampshire who used the annoying Patriots fans in his town as the secret ingredient.
Since Patriots fans have increased exponentially in size since the team drafted Tom Brady, turning them into food could solve all the hunger issues of a single continent. But the eradication of the Patriots fans could have benefits at home as well. Recently the Cornell campus has turned into Foxborough West, and “I’m Shipping Up to Boston” by the Dropkick Murphys is dangerously close to becoming the school alma mater. Furthermore, Patriots fans’ heads have swelled due to the Red Sox winning the World Series and the Celtics storming through the NBA. Luckily, swollen heads make for more edible food.
While Pats fans taste like chocolate, Giants fans have a more herbaceous complexion. Their blood smells and tastes like a fine Cabernet Sauvignon, and their fingernails might as well be Fritos. Using my scientific calculations, Giants fans from around the tri-state area would feed another entire continent.
As opposed to Patriots fans, Giants fans are newcomers to the annoying fan pantheon. The Giants used to be predictable; they would have solid regular seasons, then inevitably get crushed on the road, with quarterback Eli Manning looking like he had just been forced to watch the movie Norbit. That all changed this year, when Tiki Barber retired. Somehow the team pulled together, and put together three solid games on the road, leading to a berth in the Super Bowl.
Unfortunately, the Giants’ improbable run has empowered another group of fans. While Patriots supporters have been insufferable for many years now, Giants fans are new to the club. While they probably were really annoying circa 1991, the fans were humbled by the Rodney Hampton era. But this run has caused them to become as obnoxious as ever, leading to the unfortunate aforementioned incident at Ruloff’s.
While my plan is surely sensible, one may wonder how I plan to turn these fans into food. As causes of death, I originally considered electrocution, forcing them to chug pop rocks and soda and hiring the serial killer from the movie Saw. One of my friends even suggested force-feeding them those little poisonous green balls from the movie The Rock. These methods of death might be a little too intense for our purposes, though.
Here is my final plan — I know someone from Utica, N.Y., who has invented a painless procedure that will turn the Patriots and Giants fans into fresh food. In order to get them there, I will take out a full-page ad in the Boston Globe, advertising a Kevin McHale autograph signing in Utica. Once everyone from New England (minus western Connecticut) enters the Utica city border, we will drop a big net down on them, and start the process.
As for the Giants fans, I am going to advertise during the FOX 5 evening news with Rosanna Scotto, the most respected news program in the entire New York area. In the advertisement, I will announce that I have kidnapped Mark Messier’s 1994 Stanley Cup ring and am holding it hostage in Utica. Since everyone in New York has an unhealthy obsession with the 1994 Rangers, they will obviously come to Utica to rescue the ring. Of course, I will have a Mo Lewis poster stationed outside of the Utica border to weed out Jets fans like myself and save them.
Clearly, my plan will work to end one of the biggest problems plaguing our planet. So when one of the presidential candidates inevitably mentions it in an upcoming debate, let’s make sure they give credit where credit is due.