January 30, 2008


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Note: If you only know me from this column, you have a twisted image of me. You’ve read of me eating butter and salt plain, you know I threw up from Cherry Pharm juice, and you think my apartment is waist-deep in food mold. You assume correctly that I know every flavor of jelly belly by color. (Note to self: this is the theme of my next column)
Second Note: All of those things are true, but there is a darker side to me also. Well technically not a darker side, but a side that sits in the dark and demands complete silence while I watch Lost. The following column combines my two true loves: Snack food and the ABC smash-hit television phenomenon Lost.
How much do I love Lost? Freshman year, my roommate and I would lock the door and turn off the lights when we were watching. We would also close the blinds. And cuddle. (What?!) In preparation for the television event of the year, I present, without much further ado: Charlie Niesenbaum’s Lost Season Premiere Snack Food Guidetm.
Final Note: If you aren’t caught up with Lost through season three, SPOILER ALERT.

Ok, I’m obviously way too excited for the Season Four Premiere to even sit down, so I’m going to kick things off with a Jack’s-Dead-Dad-who-Mysteriously-Appears-Alive-on-the-Island-in-Season-1-and-Drinks-a-Lot-in-Subsequent-Flashbacks Gin and Tonic! What makes this G+T Lost themed? I’m going to add one part cranberry juice and a dash of sweetened lime juice. That makes it an “Island” G+T according to the internet. After three of these you won’t know if you saw a person in Jacob’s shack when Locke and Ben went there and all that spooky ghost stuff happened. But, I mean, just so you know, I paused it on my DVR and there was TOTALLY a dude there! Who is that?! How does he stay invisible sometimes?!
Speaking of Gin, let’s bust out the first course of snacks. Jin’s Sushi Platter! The New York Times recently reported that tuna has toxic levels of mercury that will totes give you all kinds of diseases, so I’ll stick to salmon. You don’t have to be a poor fisherman who fell in love with the daughter of a Korean mob boss, subsequently changed into a hit man, and then found out you are impotent to love a delicious spicy tuna hand roll. Damn, I said tuna didn’t I? Isn’t mercury poisoning what made the Mad Hatter mad? I’m going to be a great hatter.
It wouldn’t be fair to go any further without invoking Hugo AKA Hurley a.k.a. the fat one with curly hair if you don’t watch Lost. By the way, if you don’t watch Lost, is this funny? Like, is this enjoyable to read? I’m pushing my boundaries here. Anyway, you don’t need to watch Lost to enjoy Hurley’s Girl Scout Cookies Dipped in Peanut Butter! Remember when Hurley ate all that Dharma Initiative peanut butter? Because the island wanted him to stay fat? Well grab a Thin Mint, some chunky peanut butter (With trans fats so it doesn’t get all runny and gross) and dip away! I was so happy during the Season 3 finale when Hurley saved the day. Remember? He drove the car they found on the island into an Other who was holding Sayid and crew hostage. I told you there were going to be spoilers.
Although it isn’t a real thing, I would love to eat an Apollo Candy Bar, the fake brand of dark chocolate found in the show. I’ll substitute an Apollo bar on Thursday night with my favorite new candy, the 3 Musketeers Mint Bar. All the tasty chocolate of a Three Musketeers mixed with a refreshing breeze of mint. If you haven’t tried one yet, do yourself a favor and pick one up. I will bestow on them my highest candy spin-off praise: better than the original (the only other candy spin off to win this award up to this point has been the Hershey’s Kiss with the cherry flavored sauce inside, those things are like the crystal meth of candy bowls).
This column took me four times as long to write as a usual column. Why? Because every time I wanted to remember a name, location or fact about the show, I would go to www.lostpedia.com, the wiki devoted entirely to Lost. I have passed many hours on that site in the past week, and they have been hours well spent. If you are a true fan of Lost (if you are still reading, you are either related to me or a huge Lost fan) you should defiantly spend your last night before Season Four checking it out. As for me, I’ve got a big jar of jelly beans to eat before the next column, and I’m about to get started.