I:
Far above Cayuga’s Waters we sat
Damning our awful procrastination
Uncorking a bottle, we started to chat
Embarking upon our second creation
Oh no! said R, as she spilled the wine glasses
We haven’t yet written a word, and lo!
We drunk’ly remembered our early classes
(And this column was due eight hours ago)
What shall we do? Oh, what shall we say?
R: I’m lost and confused and I have to vomit
Perhaps we should call out some bitches, but nay
R: I think we had better just write you a sonnet
R: This works out well ‘cause you’re a good rhymer
R: How’d you know that?
R: …You told me one timer.
II:
I was walking to class the other day
When I ran into good sir what’s his face
Quickly realized I had nothing to say
And tried to avoid him by walking with haste
“Sorry I’m in kind of a hurry,” I said
I didn’t want him to think me a hater
But my legs are quite short I discovered with dread
He caught up with me but two minutes later
And onward we walked as my face turned bright red
Surely he knew I had to tried to evade him
From that point he walked two paces ahead
So I lagged as if I had broken a limb
`Twas nothing to do, he had me sequestered
Remember when you hooked-up last semester-ed?
III:
Drowning in popcorn and whiskey one night
We all engaged in some group therapy
A stranger appeared who was mourning his plight
And proceeded to tell us his whole life story
Taking this group therapy thing too far
We listened politely, what else could we do?
Tears welled in his eyes, he exclaimed to the bar
“No one else understands me like you!”
Then the next morning with headaches to spare
We put on our Uggs and pulled up our britches
Wrapped up in our blankets to shield from the air
We crawled out of our hole for delicious sandwiches
Lo and behold appeared our new friend
And he ignores us today just as he did then
IV:
You sit next to your ex’s ex-girlfriend in classes
All the while knowing just how much she hates you;
A text for just one is sent to the masses
Don’t even try, they already know who
Our one horse C-town beckons us all,
Especially those you don’t want to see
But hey! It’s better than Pyramid Mall
Where some people work at Abercrombie
R: Hey, I only worked there for a few weeks
R: Don’t even bother, we won’t let it go
But hey, aren’t we all really just freaks?
There’s nothing that someone out there doesn’t know
R: Sometimes it makes me feel really connected
R: Well, as a child you were a little neglected
V:
As we get older this place just gets smaller
It can seem like there’s no one you haven’t met
And although all the regulars are indeed baller
There are surely more ballers we haven’t met yet
We may already know your life’s tale
But we’ll give you a chance to tell us your side
So before the proverbial bagels go stale
Come find us, we promise not to hide
And before the proverbial cream cheese goes sour
We salute you, oh Awkward Cornell
This poem has taken us many an hour
And it’s time for us to bid you farewell
As we arrive at our final stanza
R: …Hold me close, young Tony Danza?
(R: I was gonna say George Costanza!)
R: What about him?