Status Update: Suzanne Says: New Facebook Sucks.

I feel like I have to start off with a disclaimer. So here is my disclaimer: It is really, really sad that with a major upcoming presidential election and an economy launching into a depression, I am going to complain about Facebook. But yes, I am about to complain about Facebook, or “The New Facebook,” as everyone non-affectionately calls it these days.
Why did anything have to change in the first place? If you have a good thing (or at least a website that is so popular that it disrupts everything in a student’s life that doesn’t have to do with news feeds and status updates), there is no need to change it. This is especially true if you go about it in a manner that treats the change like a time-bomb, warning everyone that it will eventually go off, even if they’re safe for the moment.
Of course, if you wanted a glimpse of the inevitable bomb, Facebook offered you the opportunity to see what was soon to come. In mid-September, people started signing on to the beloved website find a terrifying sight (or site, if you’ll pardon the pun) — the changed Facebook. This changed facebook welcomed you with open arms, stating bluntly, “New Facebook is now the only Facebook.” Thank you, New Facebook, for crushing all our hopes that somehow, somewhere, Old Facebook is still alive.
Let’s be honest. The first thing everyone looks at when they “friend” a new person on Facebook is the friend’s relationship status. Facebook’s greatness stems from the fact that when you have a random crush on someone you’ve only met once or twice, you can become friends with them on Facebook. In other words, you have a way to communicate with your new crush without creepily asking for his or her phone number. Why, on the new Facebook, is relationship status displayed on the left side of the MIDDLE of the page? This kind of essential information should be on the top of the first page for easy access.
Another travesty: I have failed to write the generic yet necessary Happy Birthday on too many people’s walls since the new Facebook came into being. Again, this information should be front-and-center. You should not have to (gasp!) scroll down the page to get to this information. It should pop out at you as soon as you sign on.
Enough with the tabs! I hate the tabs. I liked when you could see a person’s collection of bumper stickers listed on their profile. Clicking on the boxes tab to see bumper stickers is too much trouble, so nobody is going to end up looking at bumper stickers at all anymore.
I miss my wall. The new wall is just not the same. Why are posts mixed up with updates about my activity on Facebook? Posts are jumbled up with, “Suzanne uploaded a new video,” and “Mary tagged Suzanne in 10 photos.” Isn’t this information supposed to be displayed on the (now gone) mini newsfeed? The wall is for my personal use and I don’t appreciate Facebook notifying me of my own activity. I already know that I have uploaded a video. Duh, I just did it. Why is this information mixed up with my precious wall posts (which, in some cases, is the only way I can communicate with long lost friends)?
Another annoying thing displayed on the new wall is a preview of each of your recently added albums. A random picture from the album (OK, the album cover) is displayed for all to see. If you’re lucky, that disgusting picture of you that you seriously debated not putting up at all will be the one featured.
Also, maybe it’s just me, but everything on the new Facebook seems to be moving slower. The photo uploader takes forever to process an album, and often when it finally finishes there is an error telling you that nothing has been uploaded. The simple picture uploader is more reliable but also more tedious, since you have to click on every picture individually. Looking at pictures is also difficult — it takes much longer than it used to to move from photo to photo. Why has it become harder to stalk people?!
The number of viruses on Facebook is increasing, though I don’t know whether this is a feature of New Facebook or just a sad truth of Facebook in general. Sometimes I have as many posts that say things like “visit YourOwnCrush dot com,” as normal, non-virus posts from my friends. I don’t appreciate Facebook trying to tell me that not only should I stalk people less, I should get more friends (so that I have more posts to outnumber the virus posts).
I miss the days when I could stalk efficiently, read my non-virus afflicted wall and not have so many tabs shoved in my face. Is that too much to ask, New Facebook?