February 17, 2010

Open Your Mind and Your Mouth

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“The taste of life comes from the spice of our feelings. Sweet, bitter, sour.. You would never be a burden, instead your love gives me strength. I can’t know the state of your mind, so I am letting you know what mine is. If you read this, remember that I am expecting you to take the steps, you know why. Come, give me your hand, and we will hug. Time doesn’t wait. Now is the time, here is the space.”

— Olin

Why hello. We didn’t see you there. We’ve just been enjoying this fine Chianti. Come on in, we could put some pants on, if you like? We were wondering when you’d come. We were just thinking about you. We know you’ve been thinking about us. Oh, you changed your hair. It looks nice.

R: I noticed you’ve been checking a lot of mysteries out of the library.

R: I noticed you’ve been taking a different route home

R: I noticed you’ve been closing your blinds lately. How come?

We know you love the sunlight. Let us tell you about our day.

So we’ve just been just been looking for jobs and superfuntimes on the Internet. Being that we’re lonely and unqualified for most things, naturally, we ended up scouring Craigslist for some adult gigs and missed connections. We wanted to see if any of the latter fit our description. They didn’t. What else is new. But we thought you would like Olin’s. It was so frank. You never were. Like the time you pretended you didn’t love that mix tape we made you. Weren’t we the three best friends that anybody could have? The three best friends that anybody could have?

Unlike you, the Craigslist community is incredibly honest. M4W from Syracuse just wants to “bang,” while W4T wants a little snuggling and maybe a little ass play. First, we thought: “you never played with our asses.” Second, we thought about how brave these individuals were and how you were never brave. You were always such a chicken, just like the one we have sliced up in our refrigerator right now. We love Chicken. We could eat it all day.

S: I like chicken too!

R: You can’t have any. It’s special chicken.

So anyway, we’re so glad you came.

The Judge seems to think that we need a less direct approach, but we think he’s bonkers: everyone else is just chicken. Cockle Doodle Fucking Doo. Remember that chickens are for eating. I mean, both of us can’t be wrong. That would be so crazy! Bahaha haha mwahaha!

R: I can’t believe this.

It never fails to surprise us that people can’t tell each other how they feel. They can’t be open about what they want sexually, much less tell each other about feelings, even if their feelings are BURSTING OUT OF THEM LIKE FLAMES! UNCONTROLLABLE FIERY BURSTING FLAMES!


They can’t even tell each other about stuff in their teeth (R: That’s weird R: THAT’S WEIRD??) or if they have giant crotch holes because they split their sweatpants. R had the most insane crotch hole in the world. But I told her, because that’s what honest friends do.

R: I could get fisted without taking these off

R: M4MWT from Cayuga Heights is into that


So many connections are missed everyday, and not just by randoms who see other randoms. Everyday, people who already know each other are failing to be clear about they feel. So just TELL US. TELL US HOW YOU FEEL WE ALREADY KNOW JUST TELL US PLEASE!

Right, so be honest. Then, get off the Internet! The Internet is just for crazies!

R: The Internet is capitalized?

R: I guess it’s a place.

Stop wishing that you had said something. Stop wishing that they would just notice. Stop thinking that the girl on the bus will just know that you want to bang. She’s not going to just play with your ass. You have to ask.

S: Forget regret, or life is yours to miss …

They might be crazies, but these Internet guys have the right idea. We should follow the brave example set by these missed connection weirods (R: That’s how that’s spelled right?) and put pictures of our own penises on the Internet. Or, if you prefer: you could just be open with people. Don’t be so afraid all the time. Go forth and conquer. You can trust us, we promise. You’ll always regret the things you never said more than the things you did say. So say what’s in your tiny little chicken-flavored hearts. We think we’ve made our point.

Oh right, did you want us to put our pants on? How was your day?

R: I blacked out.

R: What happened?

Original Author: Rachel Gevirtz