March 3, 2010

Have Your Steak and Eat It, Too

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Sometimes I try to be a public servant. And no — that was not a typo — there was meant to be an “l” in “public.” Therefore as my duty to my gender and all that is hol(e)y, I must inform, promote and encourage others to observe the most under-appreciated, under-celebrated (and hopefully not undercooked), holiday of the year. No, it is not Ash Wednesday (why did they go so dark and huge on the ash this year?), it’s not even Sukkot (30 percent of Cornell understands this reference). It is one of the most highly “attended” events on Facebook, even though it’s (medium) rare to hear of actual participants. This is not a snowball fight on Cornell’s Arts Quad. This event, which hardly ever comes to fruition a broil for many, is of course, Steak and Blowjob Day. Meat-based puns have come to a simmer.

Before embarking on the values of upholding such a family-friendly holiday, I think I should lay mention to an event that normal, everyday, stuck-in-Libe-by-weekday, dancing-on-tables-in-Palms-come-Friday civilians (and sex columnists) can enjoy and actually participate in/watch/experience (I’ll be there … ) without a trip to Wegman’s or applying chap stick: a good old-fashioned undie run!

Steak and Blowjob Day is Mar. 14. What’s a guy or girl to do in the week leading up what will hopefully be a well-planned dinner and dessert event? How about stripping down to your skivvies at Willard Straight at 9 p.m. on Mar. 8 and then taking a well-deserved run around the campus with your fellow coeds? Show off that meat of yours in that sexy pair of SpongeBob boxers and maybe next week you’ll be getting some meat on your plate. Or just watch the super cute CDL girls run around half-naked … either way.

Back to the meat of the matter. This is not chicken and hand job day so if you’re looking to participate, don’t half-ass it. The best hand jobs are done with your mouth anyway. Either full-ass or no-ass. Although ass technically need not be involved. How do you make this the best Steak and Blowjob Day ever? Everyone likes lists.

1. This day is really about reciprocation.

Steak and Blowjob Day was created as a response to Valentine’s Day. We shower our women with flowers and chocolates and cheesy greeting cards and candy shaped in hearts that tastes like chalk that are four years behind technological trends (“Page me!”) – or at least you should have, asshole. If you didn’t, expect tilapia and blue balls day for you. Steak and Blowjob Day came about as a leveling of the playing field, with men wanting a day of reciprocity for Valentine’s. In this spirit, though, we must not treat Steak and Blowjob Day as a day of female subservience. Every red-blooded American loves steak. This is a time for steak for two (or more if that’s your style). Every man loves a good blowjob. Let’s not ruin the potential for more plentiful and future blowjobs by not making sure our partners are satisfied too. No, that doesn’t mean she gets a mouthful of your delicious au jus, it means you make sure that she is taken care of as well. Flowers don’t give orgasms. Chocolates don’t give orgasms. Guns give orgasms. Or something like that. Just make the blowjob gender-neutral today.

2. This is a day about stepping outside the box.

Whereas before I was advocating making sure you don’t neglect the box, Steak and Blowjob Day is a day to take a bold stand. Any guy in their right mind would be forever blown (you can count that as a pun if you want) away by a girl who lights up the grill and peppers up a steak to share. Maybe you’re not the best chef. Maybe you’re not the best fellator in the land. At least give it a shot, and if you’re not the best at blow jobs, my advice will be to leave the teeth for eating the steak. The tube steak need not be tenderized …

3. Have fun with it.

Put on your “Kiss the Chef” apron. Spend the day picking out your chops at Weg’s and then improving your chops in the bedroom. Talk about what you liked about the steak and the side dish (or main course … guess that depends on grade and cut). Laugh at all of the people purchasing flank steaks and skirt steaks two Sundays from now. Apply a little marinade Jackson Pollock-style (a shout-out to the underdog victors of Rulloff’s trivia and sexual innovators like Jackson Pollock everywhere). Steak and Blowjob Day isn’t actually real (shocker!) so make of it whatever you want (shocker?).

Christmas comes but once a year. Hanukkah stays for eight crazy nights. But these are days of ham and trees and latkes and lights. Sometimes, you just need a nice slab of steak and a nice slob of the knob. I’m hoping I’ll be celebrating Steak and Blowjob Day this year, and I hope you will be too. A happy holiday to you and yours, and the obligatory family portrait season’s greeting is in the mail. For safety’s sake, however, if you’re not a Hotelie and don’t want to food poison yourself and your Steak and Blowjob companion, make your steak like we all like our blow jobs: well-done.

Original Author: Jeff K.