April 16, 2010

Vampire Diaires: Now More Maudlin Than Ever!

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Oh, The Vampire Diaries … Seriously? Are you going to reference one of the few great vampire films to come out since Nosferatu in your title this week? Are we to be so brutally set up for hope, only to be doomed to depression and disappointment?

I would like to send an unrelated message to the world: Do not see whatever dirty bastard American version of Låt den rätte komma in is soon to emerge out of the bowels of Hollywood. It is guaranteed to be, at best, a cheap reproduction, and, at worst, a sham that will forever tarnish the name of a great film. As usual, I am fully prepared to eat my words should the film turn out to be … turn out to be … AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh, never mind.

So what’s happening and what’s disappointing you ask? Anna is jerking little J around. Poor Jeremy. “Why do you want to be turned?” she asks. Why am I so hungry, I ask. Anna, though super turned on by Jeremy’s crazy vampire obsession, is smart enough to be a little creeped out as well. She discovers that J has a vervaine bracelet from big sister. Ahh, she knows too! As Jeremy is a sentimental fool, he gives the bracelet to Anna, because he “likes her.” Yeah, she’s all right. At least she has a great response: You only like me because of what I can give you. Boom! By George, I bet she’s right! Too bad she’s going to get heartbroken anyway.

Pearl is still dealing with the one-note villain Fred. He now harbors ambitions of revenge variety: Let’s get Stefan and do weird homoerotic stuff to him, yeaaahhh boy! Again, Peal’s little “we need to have better control over our emotions speech” falls on dead ears, I mean deaf ears. Hah, that’s funny, no?

Pearl wants to go into town to figure out who’s under the influence of vervaine and determine the next phase of her mystic-fallz, peaceful-takeover plans. Though she doesn’t view the present citizens as enemies, she wants to get her “town back”? Confusion? Have you met Americans, Pearl? If you want to take shit from us, you are the enemy. A misunderstanding of this fact caused the downfall of both Jimmy Carter and the Soviet state — to everyone’s great amusement. Undoubtedly plans are going to go even less well for idealistic Pearl.

Damon, Stefan and Elena are already trying to deal with “the Pearl situation.” One of the few bright spots of this episode includes a fun scene in which Damon and Elena go at it about how he killed her mom and all. The same scene exposes yet again that Stefan is the most boring character of all time, with the possible exception of Godot, and he doesn’t really exist so … Indeed Elena, you have ”earned snarky!” And Damon is a “self-serving psychopath!” I know that this is in some bohunk town where there is one bar and grill and the high school gets tax deductions for each student it loses to death or supernatural transformations, but these kids don’t have to be so damn stiff all the time.

At any rate, the snarkiness quickly disappears. Fred has taken Stefan for the aforementioned “revenge.” Shiver. Suddenly, Damon is all about his bro, because — SHOCK — he really does care about him and has a human side that really just wants to be loved and snuggled.

Onto Cheery and Matt! They’re so fun! I bet one of them is going to die soon. Caroline is urging Matt to give his mom a chance, because people can change you know, judgy mc’judgerson. Just because one’s mom banged the whole town doesn’t mean she can’t just get over it and make you a nice casserole. This, naturally, is exactly what happens. Matt’s mom realizes that her slut-tastic ways are ruining the fam, and she comes home, sober, and tries to make amends. Is this when tragedy strikes? Not quite yet, although Caroline gets stuck in a trench for no apparent reason that I can remember….

Oh right … There is A HUGE storm to add drama. Due to the storming, Pearl and Anna get stuck at the grill (the ridiculous GRILL!!!) with Mayor Lockwood, one of the founding families that they are so interested in, nice. Pearl wants to get some info out of him. How did you come by that new land in 1864, guy? I’m very interested in this idea that the vampires had settled the land before the humans. How did that happen; how did they coexist? What did they eat?

Anna and J are getting it on ou pas? At the very least, they’re texting like mad. Unfortunately, Jeremy is trapped with mother and daughter at the grill as well. Pearl realizes her daughter’s intentions and is super pissed. She hasn’t forgotten how Jonathon Gilbert was all over her and then shoved her into a tomb for over a hundred years. That really is the worst. By you know, sometimes THINGS ARE JUST THE WORST. That’s what I learned from the prophet Liz Lemon. Since teenage girls are predictably contrarian, Anna decides to turn Jeremy. She says she’ll “do it.” Do what? Do it? Isn’t that a bit soon? Haha, come on, it’s bad jokes day. Moving on — is this the end for J’s respiration?

A little crew of Teach Salz, Damon and Elena get together to help Stefan (teach with the hope of finding info about his wife). Damon and teach head into the house because Damon is a vampire and Teach has a sweet ring. Naturally, Elena stays behind because she is a little girly. Oh but she doesn’t! She runs around the back of the house in a brave attempt to demonstrate how much she cares or how stupid she is. Despite Damon’s quick murder of the house matron, Damon and Teach are getting along famously. It’s more fun than Damon’s had in ages. He has a bro! They’re fellow sad losers who have been ditched by their significant others for more exciting times. They’re killing mad bitches!

This little gang is miraculously successful. They find Stefan, tied up in Vervaine Ropes with poor Harper. They release both and all is right with the world — sort of. Stefan’s injuries are great. He needs blood. Good thing he has a young, red-blooded, American girlfriend. Bet her blood tastes like apple pie, rainbows and dreams. Stefan gets his strength back, enough to kill Fred finally, but perhaps a bit too much.

Pearl and Anna return to find the massacre of their fellow vamps. Pearl is no longer awesome. Hello, first rule of fearless-leaderdom: get loyal minions. Fred was no Boris.

Just when Matt and his mommy are starting to get along, Vicki’s body is found. Many people are sad, including Tyler and Jeremy. Matt is heartbroken and can’t remember that his girlfriend is blonde now. He still feels closer to Elena than Caroline, despite the fact that he has no chemistry whatsoever with Elena and their names don’t make a cool combo or anything. So Caroline is also sad.

The general storming continues at The Grill. Damon is trying to translate his fun violence with Teach into a lasting friendship: “You’ve got to admit, we were badass.” Or something like that. Anyway, Alaric isn’t having any of it, punches stupid Damon out. For the first time, however, Damon verbalizes his pathetic feelings: “Everyone hates me.” You’re right! You have no friends. We get it.

To make matters worse, Stefan is having a hard time getting back to his vegetarian life-style. He’s off the wagon!! I hope that he turns into a real animal.

Oh man, more bad news: turns out this whole time sad Jeremy was still in love with Vicki and wanted to be a bad vamp so he could be with her. Anna is SUPER sad. What’s she going to do?

This episode was just a general downer, although I’m glad that Vicki has not been abandoned. Even though she died prematurely, she at least still has an impact on the people who knew her. That influence is still controlling Jeremy, a great deal. It was a bit odd how everyone (except Jeremy apparently) was just cool with her running off.

Haven’t done this in a few weeks but I’ll give it a go. So what is this hour of teen television all about? Today, I’m going to go with a being used. Despite the fact that many of the female characters on this show have been fairly weak, the unseen characters are the epitome of strength. Katherine controls Damon. Her image, to a certain extent, controls Stefan as well. Isobel controls Alaric. Vicki controls Jeremy. What do these dead women have going for them? All of these fools are subordinating their lives to the memory of dead ladyloves. So the message is … some women just have all the luck or, more accurately, some women just happen to be pretty vampires with powers. Good for them!

Looking forward to seeing boring old Stefan getting freaky and intoxicated.


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Original Author: Rabia Muqaddam