April 29, 2010

Mid-Coital Mythology

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This Thursday, I offer you no morsel of my strange personal life and the abnormal adventures that litter it. In place of my standard TMI anecdotes, I have for you all a list. Two lists, in fact. And, although compiling these lists did not require me to sacrifice my weekend to any of my usual “field research,” it did take a great deal of Facebook and mass text message surveys. So yes, there was some work involved. Sort of.

Unfortunately, these are probably two uncredibly useless lists, so no need to bust out your scissors and cut these babies out — you definitely won’t be posting them on your wall, saving them in your wallet or placing them in a scrapbook with all your other collected Sun excerpts. (Whaddya mean you don’t do that?) They will, however, provide you with a good laugh and perhaps some fascinating dinner conversation (if you have weird conversations). So here they are:

Nine of the most unusual mid-coital myths (a mid-coital myth being one of those “I heard that this happened to someone during sex” stories that probably has never been verified):

1. Variations of the “my/his/her parents walked in on us” story, including:

a. The spouse of your sexual partner (who you thought was single) walking in.

b. The drunk roomie walking in and high-fiving you before leaving.

c. Having the cops ask you to step out of the car you’re fornicating in and question you.

2. The dog (or cat or land tortoise) licking his/your asshole. (Shout out to all the 40 Year Old Virgin fans!) According to my editor, this is also not a myth.

3. Breaking up: This isn’t actually a myth. I know someone who broke up with their significant other during sex.

4. Getting the condom stuck in her — ouch!

5. Getting a nosebleed and bleeding all over your partner.

6. Peeing on your partner when orgasming. (I’ve also heard this one for oral, which sounds ever so much worse because that means you essentially just peed in someone’s mouth.)

7. Getting a Prince Albert piercing stuck.

8. Pulling a sword out from underneath the bed. (Let the record show that this may actually be true as well … but crazy enough to be categorized as a myth anyway.)

9. Though it’s not an unusual sex myth, it is probably the most popular anal sex myth, garnering it a spot on the list — the age-old “she shat on me after anal and then I threw up” story.

The top four most bizarre sexual-but-not-mid-coital legends I’ve heard:

1. A guy coming on his girlfriend’s forehead and then wiping it off with his thumb saying “Simbaaa” like in The Lion King.

2. A girl getting fingered with a tampon in and having to have her friend help her fish it out. Now there’s a good friend.

3. A girl using a hot dog to masturbate and the hot dog breaking, so she had to go to the hospital to get half of it taken out of her.

4. A girl having such a small mouth that she has never been able to fit a penis in it; ergo, she can’t give blow jobs. Bums.

Finally, in a typical last column of the semester tradition, I want to thank all of you who have read me at some point this year. It has been an interesting and — needless to say — memorable year for me here in the world of drunken dance floor make-out sessions, online dates and savory skivvies.

Unfortunately, there comes a time for every columnist to hang up her lingerie (both leather and lace) and stop luring men (and sometimes women) into her lair for a good time and an even better story. This columnist’s time has arrived, so I bid you adieu. But not really.  I’ll be back in full swing next year, but my social experiments won’t be limited to the bedroom (not that they always were this year anyway). So read me in “Outer Limits” next semester.

P.S. For those of you who don’t have plans for tomorrow night yet, check out Cornell’s Finest, a talent show brought to you by the Class of 2012 Council in Bailey Hall at 7 p.m. — tickets are available online. RLD

Original Author: Hazel Gun