July 14, 2010

Bastille Day Horoscopes

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Cancer (June 21 — July 22): This week, you will invest in a second calender because your first one is filled up, Ms./Mr./Mrs. Social Butterfly.

Leo (July 22 — August 22): Your klutziness has been on display for all of the world to see. After the age of ten, it’s no longer endearing and now is just making you look foolish. Invest in ballet or charm school to develop some poise.

Virgo (August 23 — September 22): You’ve had your eye on a new best friend for a while now and this week is your time to go for it. Make sure you get in line early to buy your new cell phone. (I’m thinking of naming mine Xavier because it begins with an “X,” get it?)

Libra (September 22 — October 22): You have a determination this week that would normally inspire others to take action. Sadly, they’ll be distracted by that new cell phone everyone wants and you will go unnoticed.

Scorpio (October 23 — November 21): This week, your time on the Kingda Ka roller coaster is coming to an end. Even if everyone else wants to get back on, threaten to be sick on their shoes and just walk away.

Sagittarius (November 22 — December 21): This week, you will feel stumped by a problem; never give up and keep on trying … just ask BP if you need .

Capricorn (December 22 — January 19): You’ve been coming off a little too strong this week. Remember, dogs only need to pee on trees once to mark their territory.

Aquarius (January 20 — February 18): Lately, you’ve been contemplating your future career. Perhaps pick up where the Barefoot Bandit left off?

Pisces (February 19 — March 20): This week, you’ll stop feeling like the guy from tOperation and more like Queen Frostine from Candyland. Definitely take advantage of those milkshakes!

Aries (March 21 — April 19): This week, you will feel a twinge of jealousy. Maybe somebody shouldn’t have run off and gotten the iPhone 4 so fast?

Taurus (April 20 — May 20): Lately, you’ve been a shoulder to cry on. But you are tired of having your adult sibling crying on your shoulder in public. Time to get them a significant other STAT.

Gemini (May 21 — June 20): This week, you will find yourself being better acquainted with squirrels. At least you’ll have a new club to join in the fall. (Yes, there is a Cornell Squirrel Club.) RLD

Original Author: Allie Miller