September 1, 2010

Car Troubles

Print More

Dear Mrs. Advice Lady, I have a really good friend who has been borrowing my car recently. It started out as a sporadic grocery store run, then daily drives to the gym and now he’s taken it for a week long road trip to Ohio. First, why would he want to go to Ohio? I think he might be dealing in illicit activities. But in truth, I’m bothered by his refusal to help pay for gas and disregarding my own needs for the car. The other day I was about to go to The Farmer’s Market, but my mooching friend took the car to Buttermilk Falls to smoke weed. Help!            Thanks,                 A Cause For Car-Cern

Dear Car-Cerned,

First off, we here at A to Z do not happen to know anyone from Ohio, but we are sure it’s a lovely place with a few good people. It has to be, since it is the 7th most populated state. Your going to get some good eggs in there. But we digress. Your “really good friend” doesn’t sound like a very good friend if he’s borrowing your car for road trips and doesn’t at least bring you back a gift from Cincinnati. But the Cincinnati Reds are a horrible excuse for a baseball team, so you are much better off without any of their over-priced novelty items. And if he is dealing in “illicit activities,” he should at least be cutting you in 35%.

I think I made a ruling on your tale of woe when you weren’t even scoring any weed out of the situation. Enough is enough! You have two options: Either wear the key around your neck at all times to stop him from taking your car for a spin or bear fights. They aren’t that popular here in the States, but in Russia, bear fights solve all of their problems. Is your spouse cheating on you? Bear fight. Is your neighbor parking his wagon on your mud pile? Bear  fight. To arragne a bear fight with your “good friend,” you must bring him to the center of town (meaning Ho Plaza at Cornell), arranage a crowd and let the fight commence! If your friend is able to survive the attack, then he has proven himself a worthy adversary to move onto stage two of the plan: fight him yourself. Why should the bear solve all of your problems? Stand up for yourself and tell your friend to buy his own car! Maybe if he wasn’t spending all of his money on pot, he’d be able to get a nice vehicle. Or at least one of those Razor scooters.

To set the plan in motion, I’d at least wait until he isn’t too high to have this conversation, but that’s entirely up to you. It would be fun to watch your high friend fighting a bear on my way to Magical Mushrooms. That is our advice and the ruling is final.

Original Author: anonymous