September 8, 2010

I’m A Pirate, You’re A Princess

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Sometimes, in my spare time, I like to write gay porn.It’s not really anything I’m ashamed of. I’d like to say that it’s a secret hobby, something I scribble furtively in the margins of my Intro to Psych notes and then whisk away to reread later, reveling in the illicit pleasure of Marshall Eriksen and Ted Mosby’s sword-crossing love bonanza. Really, though, it’s the sort of thing I tell people about at parties. Fuck “no pointing” during King’s Cup — when we’re playing by my rules, everyone has to name a position that they think Ben Franklin and Aaron Burr would be down with before taking a swig.You know. For science.Anyway, with the amount of time I spend on the interwebs regularly searching for non-awkward ways to say “my engorged member throbbing with desire” (SPOILER ALERT: there aren’t any), you’d think I would be better at the whole role-play thing. After all, when I’ve just read about six alternate universe stories where Harry and Draco are members of warring high school debate teams, playing naughty Wall Street banker with my favorite fuck-buddy should come easy. But every time partners start motioning toward the sexy filing cabinet costume, out come the sex giggles.Really, in the metaphorical Baskin Robbins of kink, role-play is barely Cookies and Cream. It is surprisingly difficult, however, to say, “You’ve been a bad, bad lion tamer,” without cracking the hell up. For some bizarre reason, dudes just don’t like it when you laugh in the presence of their dicks, regardless of how many times you assure them that you’re not laughing at their junk; you’re laughing with it — and the French Maid garb in which it is currently bedecked. Girls are slightly better sports, but no matter the gender, people feel especially vulnerable when they’re wearing a crotchless drill sergeant outfit. So Step One in my informal guide to role-play? Be sensitive. I know, I know, you’re doing your best, but your boyfriend really does think he sounds strapping and bodice-ripping when he starts quoting lines from True Blood. Even puns, as tempting as they may be, might inspire a round of Twilight-style pouting rather than the sort of sucking vamplay normally prompts.Almost worse than the infamous role-play snort-laugh, however, is high on the ACB (anti-clit-boner) list: awkward silences. Nothing is more disheartening than getting your partner all sweaty and revved up, only to choke like the oldest Jonas brother’s homoerotic alter-ego. Not to summon any post-traumatic imagery, here, but I’m sure we’ve all had moments where our main Little Red is sprawled out and begging for more from the Big, Bad Wolf, and all we can suddenly think to mutter are lines from the latest Xtube trash we fell asleep to the night before our calculus prelim.“You like that, baby?” we ask, not even considering what she has in her basket for Grandma. “Yeah, you like that?”If we’re lucky, that’s when our lumberjack barges in and axes the entire debacle.Step Two of the Sex Columnist’s Panty-Dripping Tips for Role-Play: Prepare beforehand. If you have to read a few hundred (or thousand) words of Scott Pilgrim / Ramona Flowers phone sex fan fiction for purely research purposes, no one’s going to troll your Firefox history and accuse you of plagiarism. Trust me: It really does come in handy during those tense moments when she’s between her second and third orgasm, and you’re out of variations of, “Tell me how good I feel inside you.” A discerning English major will definitely appreciate the fact that you’re yelling proper iambs rather than sloppy-ass trochees as you’re tearing his Elizabethan collar off with your teeth.I’m no actor-type, really, but something I’ve learned from a healthy diet of cereal-for-dinner in front of Whose Line Is It Anyway? reruns: Never Say No. Caveat: This does not mean that you do not need to create a safe word and establish boundaries beforehand. Actually making sure you and your sex-muffin know when you mean no is always important, and there’s nothing more jarring than Surprise Watersports when you only signed up to play Swim Coach and Rebellious Star Athlete. But Step Three on the Seriously, It Really Can Be Hot, That Role-Play list: Just go with it. If you’re at the stage of Naked Lilith Fair Wednesdays where your partner feels comfortable actually pretending to be Tegan and/or Sara, he’s obviously committed to making sure you have a good time. Even if you’re not completely sure about his choice of lingerie, give him the nod anyway. Chances are that tomorrow morning, you’ll remember more about his enthusiasm than his slightly off-key rendition of “Walking with a Ghost.”Above all, remember that when it comes down to it, sex (and role-play) should be fun. If you’re actually stressing about it, maybe it’s time to find a different kink. No matter how many hits your erotica blog is getting.Kate C. is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. She may be reached at [email protected]. Ball You Discreetly appears alternate Thursdays this semester.

Original Author: Kate C.