Libra (September 22 — October 22): This week, you will get a lot of exercise. Only if you count carrying kegs up and down stairs “exercise.”
Scorpio (October 23 — November 21): This week, you will reach a common ground with a family member. It’s called your living room floor.
Sagittarius (November 22 — December 21): Lately, you are starting to feel like the star of a TV show that has been cancelled but everyone is afraid to tell you. Press people for answers.
Capricorn (December 22 — January 19): Lately, you find that you’ve been spending a lot of time with one person. That’s what happens when you friend a leper.
Aquarius (January 20 — February 18): This week, you will realize your best friend seems to resemble Zach Galiflanakis. Stop watching Between Two Ferns before bed.
Pisces (February 19 — March 20): This week, you will continue to blame your neighbor’s stupid cat for all of your troubles.
Aries (March 21 — April 19): This week, when everyone is putting their earplugs in, you’ll be taking them out. Rock on.
Taurus (April 20 — May 20): Lately, you have been terrified of forgetting to hold up your pinky finger when you drink tea. Take a charm school class.
Gemini (May 21 — June 20): This week, you will be more argumentative then Glenn Beck. Sorry.
Cancer (June 21 — July 22): This week, all the king’s horses and all the kings men couldn’t put your prelim grade back together again.
Leo (July 22 — August 22): Lately, you have come to realize that you may not be the fairest of them all. Maybe above average, but not ‘the fairest.’
Virgo (August 23 — September 22): This week, you will begin to realize that everyone knows where you hid the treasure. Play it cool and stop being so emotional.
Original Author: Allie Miller