October 14, 2010

Cornell Gets Heroic, Students Get Loko

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THE WEATHER MIGHT BE MISERABLE, BUT REVIEWING THE LAST two weeks in news is only the sunniest of experiences. Either things have been especially HEROIC for Cornellians recently, or our reporters are having trouble tracking down the VILLAINOUS stories. But never fear, cynics and sadists, while the headlines now may provide a dearth of VILLAINS to complain about, in no time at all these tales of HEROES and their fruitful adventures will undoubtedly fall back into the realm of controversy and outrage.

One of the lone acts of VILLAINY during this fortnight was Gannett’s pretentious and absurd attempt to challenge the undeniable virtue of Four Loko — the HEROIC energy drink/mixed drink/makes-people-go-batshit-crazy drink that has taken over Collegetown like a Loko’d-out girl takes over CTP at 2 a.m. Apparently the drink masks the flavor of alcohol with carbonation and sugar, and the caffeine adds to the sense of invincibility that alcohol creates — we have trouble seeing how these details are anything but HEROIC. Cornell police reported only two Loko-related incidents at Cornell this semester; we’d love to see Keystone Light’s VILLAINOUS belt notches.

In the world of South American copper-gold mining, the 33 Chilean HEROES who were stuck 2,300 ft. underground since Aug. 5 finally shimmied to the surface on Tuesday night. Took ‘em long enough. But still, if you didn’t get a tear in your eye when Anderson Cooper told you that that indecipherable, pixellated image on your TV was actually the first miner smooching his wife and kid, then you are a certified VILL-asshole.

Speaking of rising to the surface, Cornell’s HEROIC endowment and Annual Fund donation total both did their best Chilean miner impression over the past two weeks, growing by 12.6 percent and fundraising $27.3 million, respectively.

One thing that sticks out as VILLAINOUS is those new advertisements — with one shady figure standing aloof from other shadowy silhouettes — for the newly re-branded graduate business school here on campus. “Johnson” now appears in bigger, all-capital letters as an effort to distinguish the business school from Cornell. Here’s a hint: “Cornell” is a more distinct name than “Johnson,” probably should have just stuck with that. As a side note, the powers that be have charged every undergraduate with devising their best Johnson-related joke, so here’s ours: It’s not the size of the Johnson, it’s the marketability of the associated skill set. You figure that one out, and feel free to submit your own HEROIC joke online at www.cornellsun.com (Independent Since 1880).