November 22, 2010

Seance With the Founders: Give Thine Thanks!

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It’s nearly Thanksgiving, so The Sun is taking a break from chasing down all the turkeys running around Day Hall to call up the spirits of this University’s founders — Ezra Cornell and Andrew Dickson White — to discuss what we’re all thankful for. Welcome to Seance With the Founders: Thanksgiving Edition.

The Sun: Alright guys, let’s try to keep it civil this time. It is Thanksgiving, after all.A.D. White: Don’t look at me, he’s the one who gets all grumpy whenever a department gets cut or a greenhouse is threatened with destruction.Ezra: Fine, I’ll start. I’m thankful for these changes to the Greek system.A.D.: What! Are you kidding? You want kids to be drinking this SixMofo stuff in their dorms? It’ll be anarchy — R.A.s aren’t equipped to deal with that level of intoxication.Ezra: Oh, please, that’s not going to happen. And yes, I am glad the Greek system is trying to move past its drunkard image and recommit itself to the philanthropic efforts that make our world a better place to live.A.D.: ‘Make the world a better place to live?’ You’re kidding me, right? Listen, that hippie babble isn’t going to change shit. I’m thankful the Republicans re-took the House of Representatives so we can keep those sweet, sweet Bush-era tax cuts. That’s how we’ll make the world better: classical economic theory.Ezra: Funny you say that, Warren Buffet came out this week and declared that the theory trickle-down economics has failed. Boom.A.D.: Sweet, keep reading The Huffington Post, Ez, see how far that gets you … Anyway I’m also thankful that the much ballyhooed campus pub is inching closer towards becoming a reality.Ezra: Alright, finally, there’s something we can agree on. I just hope it doesn’t disrupt the learning environment on this campus.A.D.: Bro, I saw someone with a 30-rack of Keystone Light when I was haunting the Cocktail Lounge last Thursday. I don’t know what learning environment you’re talking about. Seriously, you could be smoking meth in there as long as you have a Cornell I.D. I’m thankful the security guards didn’t kick him out — the dude shared! Now that’s truly in the spirit of the Pilgrims and the Indians.Ezra: In my day Cornell men could sip glasses of room-temperature scotch while reciting latin phrases to each other without a problem. But now, students only know how to binge drink, and the conventions of binge drinking — the flip cup, the double-fisting, the ripping your shirt off and threatening to wrestle your roommate — are completely at odds with reasonable studying. The administration should take this into account and place the pub as far away from the libraries as possible.A.D.: Why you trying to make it so hard to drink a study beer? Or rip a study shot? I’m thankful you were never really in charge of this University — it would be like a terrible Franken-college combination of Colgate and Middlebury.Ezra: I’m thankful you’re no longer in charge — people would call us SUNY-Ithaca more than they already do. By the way, how’s A.D. White University coming along?A.D.: Good one, haven’t heard that before. But it’s going great — we actually have the same size education department as Cornell does now.Ezra: Alright, I’ve had enough of this, anymore questions, faceless moderator?Sun: Favorite Thanksgiving dinner dish?Ezra: Easy, organic almond-stuffed tofurkey. A.D.?A.D.: I hate you.Sun: Thanks fellas, now, back to the afterlife with you.