March 13, 2011

Randomness 3: This Time It’s Personal

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A friend of mine recently told me that he enjoyed my last few columns because I “actually stuck to a single topic for once.” Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you, Unnamed Friend, but I think it’s time to once again get down with my random, funky self and bring back a popular segment from last semester that I like to call, “A Bulleted List About Nothing.” (The Third Installment of the Critically-Acclaimed Randomness Trilogy!)

• Over the weekend I was watching the Big East Tournament on ESPN, and the announcers were looking back on highlights of the six-overtime game between Syracuse and UConn from a couple years ago. “Those kids showed extraordinary courage that night,” one announcer said. Really? Basketball players being forced to play a really long basketball game is courageous? I guess anything can be courageous these days. I guess that me walking up to a strange girl at a bar and buying her a drink demonstrates “extraordinary courage.” Heck, you could even say that the dude who showed up at The Palms on Friday night wearing a gorilla suit was courageous (major props to that guy, by the way).

• It used to be that you had to work hard to get likes on your Facebook status. Now people just hand out likes for everything. Someone’s status could be “Snow!” or “Theta Love <3 <3 <3” and they’ll get at least five likes for that. This crisis of “like inflation,” as I refer to it, must be stopped.

• Earlier this year, the AEM De­partment/Dyson Vacuum Cleaner School held a presentation for all students titled, “Congratulations! You’ve Got the Job: Now What?” This seminar was a big slap in the face to all of the unemployed winners out there like myself. Why would you need to have an event where students with job offers can pop bottles of champagne and high-five each other while they laugh at the misfortunes of others? I just don’t get it.

Here’s a presentation idea that would actually be useful: “Help! You Spent a Crapload of Money on Cornell Tuition and Now You Can’t Get a Job and Will Probably Have to Live in Your Parents’ Basement After Graduation … Now What? (A Comprehensive Guide to Being an Unemployed Ivy-Leaguer)”

• TRUE FACT: Just as putting your ear next to a seashell lets you hear the sounds of the ocean, putting your ear next to an empty Keystone can lets you hear the sounds of drunk girls screaming the lyrics to “Firework” by Katy Perry.

• I’ve always loved those bad, stereotypical college movies where the main characters don’t have any actual classes to attend, and there are loads of hot girls running around campus totally naked. I hope that Hollywood never stops producing these completely accurate and nuanced portrayals of college life in the real world.

• Speaking of bad movies … Since Nicolas Cage and Martin Lawrence seem dead-set on destroying their careers, they might as well team up to create the worst movie ever made. I’d imagine the plot would revolve around Big Momma (Lawrence) needing the help of a long-haired sorcerer (Cage) to track down a criminal. Please make this happen, Hollywood.

• If I could pick one image to sum up our generation, it would be a photo of eight sorority girls standing on top of a bench at Dino’s and all looking down at their BlackBerrys.

• Cornell Regret No. 1: Looking back, I wish I had joined a frat. Not because of the brotherhood, mixers or any of that other stuff, but because I definitely would have been mentioned more on CollegeACB.

• Cornell Regret No. 2: I wish I had gone to Arizona State instead.

• When I was young, I was really into Pokémon. I was determined to become a Pokémon Master — the best there ever was (cue the theme song). Something that always bothered me, though, was how the Pokémon people suddenly decided to add hundreds of new Pokémon to the list when for years they had told me there was a set number of 151. How was I supposed to “catch ’em all” if new species of Pokémon kept popping up all the time? Even as a little kid, I knew I was being played, and that this was just another instance of “The Man” trying to keep me down.

Closing Thoughts

• I’d like to introduce all of you to my new editor, Dani Neuharth-Keusch. From now on, she will be the person that I randomly refer to in these columns for comedic effect (sorry, Tony).

• The following were some rejected titles for this column:

Randomness Episode III: Revenge of the Sithaca

Randomness 3: The “Charlie Sheen Keeps on #Winning” Edition

Randomness 3: The “I’m Going to Fail My Wines Prelim” Edition

• I’m looking forward to the day when newspapers will be gone, and everyone will receive their news from 140-character blurbs on Twitter. And then someday after that, Twitter will be gone, and we’ll all communicate via a series of grunts and hand gestures. That’s the kind of world I want to live in — it’ll save us all a lot of time, and I won’t have to bother coming up with 800-word columns to write.

Corey Brezak is a senior in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences. He may be reached at [email protected]. Taking My Talents to C-Town appears alternate Mondays this semester.

Original Author: Corey Brezak