November 30, 2011

Out With a Bang

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You’ve come full circle from those good ole’ O-week days where the semester was nicely ahead of you and cool beverages, hot nights and scantily clad hook-up prospects were conveniently right in front of you. Now, you’ve weathered the weather — all that’s left is five finals, three papers and two projects between you and FREEDOM!!! (Oh, wait, just winter break).

The end of the semester always comes as kind of a surprise (didn’t know you have finals next week or are trying to pretend you don’t? Join the club). But in between all the stress, coffee chugging and cramming are some quite interesting sexual vibes.

First of all — I hope you all are also trying to cram some other things into your schedule besides studying and tests. That class with that person you’ve been eyeing all semester is drawing to a close! You must act now! It’s a bit of a frantic moment when you realize these are the last few classes and you still haven’t succeeded in making any moves. I would love to get the statistic for how many times people let the “I-know-you-just-well-enough-to-say-hi” crush from class gets lost in the crowds streaming toward the libraries during finals.

It makes me sad to think of so much unrequited lust which is so, so easy to fulfill: “My roommate decided to make papier-mache out of my notes from last class, can I borrow those from you around 10 p.m. on Friday?” I’m guessing an activity you’re inevitably going to be doing at some time during the next few weeks is studying. I’m also guessing that guy from down the row in Psych 101 also might do some studying, so ask to swap some notes, and swap some saliva too.

Speaking of cozy study nights, did you know that the old version of Four Loko is about to be sold again? Well, not really, but finals weeks do bring about the “Four-Loko effect.” See that bleary-eyed person fanatically dancing while chugging a fishbowl even though the music just got turned off? That’s a classic case of the Four-Loko effect: sleep deprivation + neurotic energy + coffee coffee coffee + stress + relief from being done with a final + alcohol = craziness, drama, barfing, crying, some fun adventures and lots of hook-ups. Winter break is tantalizingly close and any damage you do to your social life or brain can probably be forgotten (maybe it never recorded as a memory in the first place) or left to fizzle away over the holidays.

Quite the concoction of lust and craziness, eh?

My most ridiculous finals-are-done night involved lots of crying about a lamp and sleeping with two exes (otherwise known as sexx). After the lamp situation was resolved and I was home and well removed from the stimuli of finals, I was able to analyze what crazy combination of stuff had gone on in my recent life. I had managed to have a lot of fun that weekend, I got my lamp back (yay!) and in some ways had reconnected with the exes and gotten some closure.

This escapade caused me to think a lot about sexx and break-up sex (the other two types of hook-ups that occur over finals and during the last few hours of partying we can squeeze in). Both break-up sex and sexx are with people you’ve slept with before; so in those instances hopefully you both retained some valuable pleasuring knowledge. On top of the awesome physical aspect, it can get really murky quite speedily, especially if you are so tired you were hallucinating during your Orgo final.

All three of these lovely hook-up scenarios hinge on the “last chance” mentality so imbued throughout finals, enhanced of course by the Four-Loko effect and the common ability to ignore how short break actually is. So be aware of the “last chance” stuff and live these last couple weeks of the semester to the fullest (although hopefully try not to fall too far under the sway of the Four-Loko effect — you can really freak people out by hysterically crying about a lamp).

Adios, and I wish you luck in navigating your way through your piles of notes and through the frisky crowds at end-of-semester parties!

Lauren C. is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. She may be reached at [email protected]. Below the Bellybutton appears alternate Thursdays this semester.

Original Author: Lauren C.