January 25, 2012

Winter Break Sexual Survival Guide

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Congratulations. If you’re reading this, that means you’ve made it through winter break. “What do you mean?” you ask. “Winter break is awesome, filled with sugar plums, 15-hour Netflix marathons and sweatpants!” Well, if you haven’t realized yet, this is a sex column, and winter recess for many Cornellians is not only a break from lectures and prelims, but also a break from consistently getting laid.

The obvious way to combat this Cornell-scheduled dry spell is masturbation. But you don’t need me to tell you to masturbate, and if After Midnight was only about touching yourself, it would be way lamer and weirder than it already is. So this week, I’d like to talk about ways to get some when you aren’t surrounded by thousands of available and like-minded (read: horny) students.

You can always import some Cornell blood to your hometown. Not that I’ve ever been particularly enamored with any of the sexual prospects traipsing by my apartment on a Friday night, but they’re familiar. He’ll understand what you want when you invite him to your awkward house party to “meet your high school friends,” and if anything romantically worthwhile happens, you know he’ll be waiting for you on the Hill when the semester rears it’s ugly head. Tread softly: If your imported lover lives more than 30 minutes away, this situation might not be worth it. I’d drive hours to see a boyfriend, but a hook-up? We better have the same area code.

An easier, albeit messier, route would be to reconnect with that old high school flame. Your love may have been superficial, but the sexual experimenting you did really laid the foundation for your bright future of sexual higher education. The old scars have faded thanks to the healing potion that is going off to college, and you both have matured enough to enter into an adult, no-strings-attached agreement. If those old feelings creep up again, never fear. In a week you’ll be back at school, and you’ll both remember the reason you broke up in the first place.

Let me briefly digress and address the “where” to do it as opposed to the “who” you’re doing it with. Unless you’re so cool and so independent, we’re all going back to our parents house over break. As you enter into your childhood abode, you may experience flashbacks of late night sneaking around, fearful that you would hear the ominous sound of footsteps down your basement steps. And you thought your freshman year roommate was a cock-block.

Maybe suggest a date night to your parents to get them out of the house. It’s even better if your parents have started to take vacations without you. Some tips if they won’t leave: Floors are quieter than your cheap squeaky twin bed, and if your parents ever get mad, just ask them about when they first had sex. That bomb of self-realization tends to neutralize the situation, helping your parents realize that you are, in fact, an adult.

The real golden ticket of sexual satisfaction comes in the form of a family friend. You haven’t seen your mom’s college friend’s daughter since you were eight, when you thought girls were better suited to throw mud at than to play with. But ever since you barely recognized her at last year’s Superbowl party, you’re looking to, well, play. Your mother will be delighted when they realize you two have gotten together, for she has dreamt about this day since she bonded with her friend over six-packs and biology text books in college. (Or am I the only one that wants my future kids to marry my friends’ future kids?) In any case, your parents will be much more forgiving about the whole sex-in-their-house deal.

Let’s be honest, none of these situations are ideal. If winter break is good for anything, it’s to remind you that you better move out and get an internship this summer, or the sun will be the only thing making you hot. Four weeks is one thing, but this summer you’d better be in some new city having insane adventures or else you will literally go insane. But in the mean time, the next time someone asks, “How was your break?” lets hope you can truthfully respond: “sexy.”

Morgan T. is a junior in the College of Human Ecology. She may be reached at [email protected]. After Midnight appears alternate Thursdays this semester.

Original Author: Morgan T.