April 18, 2012

Bad Vibes

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Guys, are you scared of vibrators? Do they haunt your dreams, crawl into your bed at night and buzz in your ears? Vibrators are a danger to the family structure and to the basis of society as we know it. Vibrators can take from you your dignity, your power and most importantly, your sex life. Vibrators are like magic wands, same shape and same hand motion necessary for proper use. Upon first contact with the vibrations, your girl will be put under its spell. Signs of the terrible spell are uncontrollable convulsing, sweating and attempted yodeling or opera singing. Following these odd but serious symptoms comes a deep sleep, a sleep that you, my prince, cannot awake her from. Only the power of the intense vibrations over her most sensitive of areas can awake this sleeping nymph[o]. Vibrators are meant to be used by your girl solo — like, when you’re out of town or when you’re just not cutting it under the covers. Advice: Do not bring a vibrator to bed. We will compare this mistake to suggesting a threesome with a man of unmatched sexual prowess. So, do not bring the seemingly harmless, yet equally stimulating vibrating device into bed if you plan on getting some. Once a guy of mine made this fatal mistake. He had brought this tiny vibrating bullet into bed, attached to his finger. He then began to search for my clitoris, which is a later article unto itself. Once found, this vibrating beauty began to send shivers up and down my body. He continued rubbing me with this little stick of wonder, and orgasm approached. “Not so fast,” I said, as a well-trained sex maestro, I forced the orgasm back into submission and returned to the build up. After a good while, I was all ready for the sex to begin — begging for it at this point. He was turned on as well by the sight of my pleasure. So we began to make love. But something was now missing. The sex was good but my body was not responding. My orgasm had gotten tired and had fallen asleep after all the excitement beforehand. I did not want to accept this fate, so I asked my guy to do me from behind, then to put his hand right where I needed it to be. Still though, I was not getting there — and luckily I get there, 90 percent of the time, every time.  My clit was lonely and missing its little vibrating friend that had so intensely pleasured my pleasure button. Now this dick just wasn’t doing it for me. And again, it was not the dick and it was not the guy. It was the desensitizing of the vibrator. His fingers on my clit were not enough, and without some powerful stimulation, the sex was not leading me to orgasm. So he came and I did not, which is, of course, unacceptable. So I suggested he work over-time on me, and bringing back the mini vibrator, he gave me three orgasms.   Although the vibrator was smaller than my pinky finger, it was powerful. I usually cum from just sex, but this time, my body grew used to a vibrating bullet right on my clit. So when it was taken away, my body and mind were disappointed to the point of no orgasm — sad, sad story. This is a common occurrence. Men use vibrators to get their ladies all hot and ready, just to be disappointed by the less than dramatic ending. As a scientist through and through, I did some JSTOR snooping to get the full picture on electromechanical vibrators, as they are properly called. There is a scientific debate as to whether the use of vibrators enables or inhibits orgasm during sex. Some say that using vibrators will decrease the sensitivity of the area, making orgasm harder to reach by a non-battery operated method. Others, however, believe they can “cure” non-orgasmic women with vibrating sex therapy. One particular study found that 79 percent of women orgasm nearly every time when using a vibrator for clitoral stimulation (Davis, et al. 1996). This is almost double that of women who orgasm from vaginal intercourse, 44 percent of women. The conclusion is obvious — women love the vibrations! The body craves this sort of stimulation. Vibrators are here to sooth those of us who are not getting any and too lazy to use our own hands. Vibrators are a single girl’s only treat on Valentine’s Day. Vibrators are not meant to enter the relationship realm, unless no dick is involved. Lesbians should, by all means, enjoy the use of vibrators on each other, daily. I would also advise trying a strap-on vibrator to get a more realistic feeling. We must also consider the use of vibrators in D.P., which happen to be the initials of my first boyfriend. Double penetration with a vibrator seems much more enjoyable than in any other form. So, although I do not advocate using a vibrator on a girl before sex or instead of sex, if you want to use the vibrator during sex, it sounds sexy to me. I hope men are now more cautious of using vibrators on their girls. But if not, just know they will do a better job than you do and girls will reach orgasm quicker, easier and even more intensely than we would have with you.Just stick to the dick.

Mona G. is a junior in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences. One Night Stand appears alternate Thursdays this semester. Feedback and submissions may be sent to monag@cornellsun.com.

Original Author: Mona G.