April 25, 2013

BERRY PATCH: Reporters Need Not Apply

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Careercast.com crushed our hopes and dreams this month when its editors hopped on the bandwagon — started driving the damn thing, really — and declared newspaper reporter the single worst job in the nation for 2013. Projecting a job rate growth of negative six percent and quoting experts prophesying the demise of the print newspaper within the next decade, Careercast.com proved itself a true buzzkill. Our berry patch reporters have fled The Sun en masse in response to the dismal forecast. Here are a few of the new career paths they’ve decided to pursue:

1. Trash Collector: While job market experts are putting the starting salary for some journalists around $30,000 “if you’re lucky,” trash collectors can make anywhere from $45,000 to $75,000 a year. WTF.

2. Psychiatrist: Reporters are highly adept — or at least adequately adept — at dealing with bitching and moaning, from sources, editors and readers alike. Our berry patch reporters have perfected the art of making generic form responses seem personally customized. It’s all in the delivery. Actually, let’s be honest: Reporters don’t listen, they just nod and say ‘I understand.’ Don’t expect any therapy; they will likely just prescribe the same “medically-necessitated” booze and pills combination that kept them going in their work at The Sun.

3. Hobo: There’s a running joke that as long a reporter doesn’t look like a homeless person, he or she is dressed appropriately for work in the newsroom. Well our berry patch reporters are the B Team, so they’re not even held to that minimum standard. They will easily adapt to the role of hobo, blending in seamlessly on the streets. Many of them already say its better than a night at the Sun, anyway.

4. Biomedical Engineer: Biomedical engineers make bank (well, compared to hobos) and have a whopping 62-percent projected job growth! Plus, … wait, who the hell are we kidding? Biomedical engineering? ENGINEERING? They’re not qualified to do anything that requires beakers. Or flammable materials. Or simple math.