September 17, 2013

How to: Be a Freshman

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Welcome back to the dirty Ith, friends. And hello to the Freshmen who mysteriously chose to join the overachievers on the hill. It is time to start your college experience on a good foot. As I am an expert in most things, I have created a comprehensive guide for all you new students (and your parents, if they read this) that will allow you to have the best freshman year of your ever-loving lives. First lesson: if you are a parent and reading my post, that’s awesome! I’m honored that you have taken the time to peruse this instead of locating your child on your iPhone (but if they’re not in class and they’re supposed to be, call CUPD now! They’ll thank you later).

How to: Get Good Grades

Many of you new students will be chagrined (yes I speak big words) to find that A’s do not grow on trees here. You, like everyone else, were a superstar in high school — President of NHS, the United Overachievers and the Nerd Coalition (better known as the Quidditch Team). However, at Cornell, you are a run-of-the-mill student with average intellect and social skills. We all know that medical school acceptance is governed by predestination, but how do you set yourself apart? First of all, going to class is not necessary. When your prof sees you playing frisbee on the Arts Quad instead of listening to him drone on about Socrates, he’ll think of you as “non-conformist” and “free spirited” and “someone who should have dreads.” Then he will give you an A and recommend that you stop washing your hair.

Also, all reading is optional! They say it’ll be on the prelim, but that is just a scare tactic to get freshmen off the streets (and into their rooms to study).

Speaking of prelims, you will soon experience the joy that is prelim season. Prelims are a magical time when you try to learn the entire course in the 24 hours before your exam. Be sure to start studying as late as possible — you will sleep less and retain more.

How to: Dress for a Night Out

The most important place to look good isn’t a meeting with your advising dean or a job interview — it’s Eddy Street at midnight on a Saturday. If you end up running into the entire baseball team, you’ll want to be sure that you’re dressed to the nines. Luckily, you have an experienced and competent guide (who has two thumbs and regularly wears clogs to parties? This chick.) to help you through it.

I’ll start with the men. This year’s biggest trend is feminine shorts with bright colors and bold patterns. Go to J-Crew or Pottery Barn right now, because ladies will fawn over your hairy legs stuffed into salmon shorts. Feel free to pair them with a flirty top or at least two polos (don’t forget to pop the collars)! And, of course, boat shoes — because I know you have them, and I know you haven’t once actually worn them off land.

And ladies, you’ll see many women stuffing themselves into sausage casings that the youths are calling “skirts.” However, Cornell men are too classy to let themselves be distracted by all of the attractive Cornell women parading around in clothes that would fit a toddler. If you really want to get that special frat boy’s attention, break out the turtleneck and bell bottom jeans. Men love to see all that you have to offer being well-concealed by layers of velvet and polyester. Pair your poncho with some kitten heels — that’s how you dress to impress.

And to class? Wear the same thing you wore on Saturday night, beer stains and all. People will assume you’re a senior and think you’re infinitely cooler.

How to: Make Friends

As a person with at least as many friends as fingers, I have lots of wisdom regarding social success to impart on my faithful readers. First of all, your OLs want to be your friends! They give you their numbers and play all those ice breakers with you for a reason. Text them, call them, beep them if you want to reach them. The way to ensure that they’ll be your friends forever is to not let them forget about you! Ask them daily questions, call them whenever you’re lost and schedule coffee dates at least twice a week. You are their first priority, so be bold.

Don’t forget about the people in your hall! Through research conducted for this blog, I’ve found that the best way to make friends is to hang out in the bathrooms Friday and Saturday night. Wait for someone to come in and listen for the sounds of regurgitation. If you hear it, knock on the door and offer to hold their hair! They will appreciate your random act of kindness and will most likely send you a fruit basket the next day. In case they don’t remember you, be sure to photograph the encounter so they know who to thank.

Kittens, these tips are fool-proof gems that will surely make you the best-dressed, most popular person on campus with a GPA that’ll knock the tap shoes right off Bill Nye’s feet! Make the most of your freshman year and may the odds be ever in your favor.