September 19, 2013

HEROES & VILLAINS: Lax Her-Bros & AEMerican Heroes

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This week, through the HEROIC art of whining, the HEROES in the Applied Economics and Management department HEROICALLY defended the integrity of their major against the VILLAINOUS intrusion of the new business minors. Thank god we have HEROIC AEM majors to protect the purity of their master race of HEROIC business aspirants. The VILLAINOUS Cornell masses are sure to be in for an unpleasant surprise when they realize the VILLAINOUS rigors of the AEM curriculum.

We also salute the HEROES at Gannett Health Services, who are marking the VILLAINOUS persistence of a steady drug abuse rate in the win column — hey, they haven’t made it worse. These HEROES have acknowledged their inability to multitask and are HEROICALLY limiting their efforts to combat the VILLAINY of booze.

Speaking of booze, the VILLAINS on the lacrosse team were discovered to be conducting off-field training of HEROIC new recruits. They (allegedly) have been VILLAINOUSLY “coercing” the squad’s HEROIC, innocent, impressionable young minds into VILLAINOUS acts of drunken debauchery. Stay strong, lax HER-BROS.