November 19, 2013

A Guide for Deciphering your Home-Friends’ College Stories

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Can you sense it? Turkey, family, butt fumbles and more; yes, Thanksgiving is almost upon us. Besides some of these time honored Thanksgiving traditions, there are a few other things that will inevitably happen over this year’s break for freshmen. First, you will text every girl you knew in high school to see if they’re around because hey, you’re in college now, how could they possibly resist? Unfortunately, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, this will fail miserably as the first girl you text will remember – don’t ask me why – that you used to date her best friend. Trivial details, I agree, but girls are weird and care about those things. As the excuses continue to pile up you might get desperate and consider FB chatting that younger girl who was always cute but you never really knew. This is when you should take a good look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you aren’t that creepy. Or just poke her on Facebook and see what happens. People still do that, right?

Anyway, after you (hopefully) decide to cut your losses you’ll find yourself back with your high school friends at the old hangout spot. Once there, you’ll see that friend of yours who, if you couldn’t tell from all of his #instagrams and #thirstythursday snaps, is absolutely #killingcollege. Interestingly, this friend of yours (let’s call him Ben) has yet to realize that you can drink on a school night at pretty much any college in America. Also, let’s be real Ben … #ugo2brown #cantbethatfun. Nevertheless, you’ll put up with his stories because you guys go way back and, more importantly, it’s his house and his beer.

As more college stories continue to be shared you’ll begin to notice that some your friends are inclined to embellish just a bit when talking about their experiences. Obviously we’re all having a great time, but only those lucky enough to go to school below the Mason Dixon line are doing as much damage as they claim. Oh and by “those lucky enough,” I of course mean the gentiles; I just don’t think the SEC would be as welcoming as Cornell to members of the tribe. For the rest of your friends, though, here are some tips for decoding what they claim they’ve been up to these past few months:

What they say: Bro, this frat basically begged me and my boys to come to their huge party. The older sorority girls were all over me.

What they mean: The frat was having a slow night and decided to invite the freshmen they played pickup basketball with. Word got around and I ended up at the house. I actually grinded with this sorority girl until she turned around and realized she had no idea who the f*ck I was.

What they say: Was she cute? Is that even a question?

What they mean: Standards haven’t been a thing since ‘Nam.

What they say: I made the team, but I decided being able to go out and have fun was more important in college.

What they mean: I got cut on the first day.

What your ex says: Oh my God, I love college.

What she means: I really do love college, and for all the reasons you feared.

What they say:  I love (insert second-rate school).

What they mean: Damn, I wish I applied to Cornell.