By DAVID WECHSLER
Well folks, it’s that time of year again. Thanksgiving has come and gone, the trees no longer have any leaves and it’s really f*cking cold in Ithaca. This all means one thing: finals are upon us. Obviously, finals suck. Making it worse are the hundreds of people bound to blow up social media complaining about the #grind and how much work they have. However, there are a few things you can take solace in throughout the next few days.
Get to Show off Your Studious Side
Let’s face it; blacking out and drunk-texting her wasn’t doing the trick. Maybe she doesn’t find the “hey u” texts as charming as you think they are, or maybe watching you puke into a trashcan wasn’t the big romantic gesture she was looking for. Either way, finals week provides the perfect opportunity for you to reinvent yourself in her eyes. So make sure you head to the library and crack open a book or two. It doesn’t matter if you’re just using the book to cover up the fact that you’re checking your fantasy football team; she never has to know. Not only does she now think you can read, but if you can also find some academic looking glasses to wear, you’re guaranteed to get this reaction: “Oh em gee, look at him over there reading. He’s, like, so sensitive and stuff. I totally misjudged him, and now I think I want to have sex with him.” That’s how it works, right?
Speaking of a studious side…
Girls are just as guilty of trying to show off their studious side, and I am all for it. I personally don’t care that you’re in the library, but getting that Snapchat notification is still a huge win for my confidence. And you know what? It’s finals week, so I’m gonna go ahead and treat myself by telling all my friends that it wasn’t a mass snap.
My finals 2013 playlist features just one song playing repeatedly. However, despite it’s lack of variation, I’ll still venture to say it’s the greatest playlist ever compiled. Since I’m such a generous guy, I’ll clue the rest of you in on how to make it. First, go to iTunes and search Timber. (If you don’t already own Timber, I hereby prohibit you from ever reading my blog posts again.) Next, make sure that repeat is on and give the ‘ole play button a double click. You’re welcome.
People Are Less Judgmental
Remember when you casually brought out some Adderall at the last party and everyone got super judgmental? Well, now it’s finals week and all those people who were looking down on you want some of the goodies. You, however, are a bigger person and will of course share your stash at a reasonably marked up price. Just kidding. Dealing drugs is bad.
Not in High School Anymore
Last year at this time, I had to wake up every morning at 7 a.m., attend at least five classes a day and still wasn’t accepted into any colleges. Now? I don’t have classes for two straight weeks, and even if I fail all my finals, I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to come back in the spring. When you keep things relative, it doesn’t seem so bad. Plus, once finals are done I’ll have completed a whole semester of college. I’ll be so worldly and mature that getting with girls will be like taking candy from a baby … or, at least, that’s what I keep telling myself.