By DECKER NIELSON
Cheese is a large culinary staple here in the United States, so instead of being basic, I decided to share with you some cheeses that will probably never grace your palate. I have not personally tried any of these cheeses, and I’m not sorry about it. My cheese plate is happily filled with Jarlsburg, Wensleydale with cranberries, brie and a random pick of the day. This, on the other hand, is a guide to some very special cheeses that may be worth more as novelties than actual food.
Most Expensive Cheese in the World: Pule
It’s ass cheese. Made from Balkan donkey milk, Pule is from Serbia and usually costs between $500-$700/lb. Apparently, Balkan donkeys are an endangered species, so profits go towards conservation efforts. However, If you decide that your next cheese board will suffer without this Serbian jewel, then brace yourself for mediocrity because this cheese is not publicly available.
Smelliest Cheese: Vieux-Boulogne
I am not doing you a favor by telling you about this cheese unless you hate yourself and everyone else around you. Vieux Boulogne is a cow’s milk cheese that has not been pasteurized or pressed, with a soft texture and a signature pungency. In 2004, Cranfield University found this cheese to be the smelliest cheese in the world. The study included volunteers and an electronic nose that smelled a variety of famously smelly cheeses. Some people would describe the smell of this cheese to resemble manure, so … consume at your own risk.
Oldest Cheese in the World: Chinese Mummy Cheese
The cheese doesn’t have an official name, but that’s because this cheese was found with a 3,600 year old Chinese mummy that probably had the drunchies. Definitively identified as the oldest cheese, it’s pretty fascinating that the granddaddy of all cheese was found in China, a country that is not gastronomically known for using much dairy. When I die, I wouldn’t mind being CREAM-ated with a block of cheese. Get it? GET IT??!!
Douchiest Cheese in the World: Clawson Stilton Gold
This is regular stilton cheese with gold leaf and gold liquor inside. Why? Because when gold flakes get stuck in your teeth, you can’t help but feel rich. This cheese costs about $1000/kilo, and now I want to stop talking about it.
Most Disgusting Cheese in the World: Casu Marza
Hailing from Sardinia, this sheep’s milk cheese is enjoyed by almost no one outside (or inside) of Italy. This cheese is not ready for consumption until it has begun to decompose and host insect larvae. You can pick out the baby bugs or leave them in to provide texture and animation to your dining experience. Please avoid this cheese if the larvae appear dead, though. Decomposing cheese containing decomposing larvae is, for some reason, not safe to eat. Casu Marza also has a very special name for its liquid portion: lagrimas, which means tears in Sardinian and Italian. I don’t doubt that this cheese could make you teary, especially since the aftertaste can linger in your mouth for hours after consumption.