October 28, 2015

SEX ON THURSDAY | A Guide to Road Head

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This summer, my girlfriend and I were driving back from a day spent relaxing on the beach when we started talking about the pinnacle of vehicular sex acts — road head. Both she and I had never tried it before, and after several minutes of hesitation, we decided to just go for it. Things started slowly, me trying to keep my focus on the road and her trying to figure out where everything needed to be positioned. After about a minute, my girlfriend was successfully bobbing up and down on my dick, one of my hands in her hair and the other hand gripping the wheel. Yeah, things were going pretty nicely.

It was at that point that I took a quick look to my right, just in time to see a middle-aged man pull up next to our car in a white pickup truck. After a moment he took a look to his left, his elevated position giving him a perfect view of the entire scene. He did a double take, looking away before quickly snapping his head back as he realized what he was seeing. Our eyes connected for two unbearably awkward seconds, me still getting blown while his expressionless face stared directly into my soul. After a few moments, his face burst into a hilariously wide grin as gave me a big thumbs up and drove off down the freeway. To that dude who saw me getting my first B.J. on wheels: Thanks for being a homie.

Okay, so my first experience with road head was not exactly perfect. But I did learn some valuable tips and tricks on how to make your on-the-go-fellatio a success.

1. Pick the right car

Specifically, pick a car without a bulky center divider. If that divider is too big, your partner won’t be able to reach their body across to give you the good stuff. Small cars usually work well, SUVs not so much.

2. Get your hair under control

All the long-haired guys and gals out there will need to invest in at least one hair tie. Your partner is getting his dick sucked, so his attention is already pretty divided. If he has to keep looking down to gather up your hair, you might just end up dying while giving head. Probably not the worst way to go, but play it safe.

3. Location, Location, Location

By this, I basically mean stick to the freeway. That way, the driver can just focus on driving straight without having to focus on turns or stoplights. More specifically, you should get to the far left lane. That way, you’ll only have one adjacent lane to worry about. Which brings me to my next point…

4. Be prepared for someone to see you

Unless you’re blowing a secret service agent or an A-list celebrity, tinted windows aren’t usually an option. While your partner can speed up and slow down so as to not be directly next to another car, chances are someone will see you going all Monica Lewinski on his sex pistol. If it’s a regular person, all you can do is own it. If it’s a cop, you should probably put the dick away and pretend like you were looking for your sunglasses.

5. Foreplay is your friend

I can pretty much tell you for a fact that leaning over that center console will not be particularly comfortable for whoever is giving the B.J. Definitely make sure the guy is warmed up and ready to go before actually going down on him — your neck and ribs will thank me later.

6. Throw some mood music on

Let’s be honest, road head (while great) might still be slightly awkward at first. Setting the mood with some smooth tunes will definitely enhance the experience.

7. When you are about to finish, you should probably just pull over

When most guys finish, their legs start to spasm like crazy. It would kind of suck if one of those spasming legs was connected to a gas pedal. If you can, definitely pull over when the guy gets close.

7. Definitely just swallow

Yes, I know there are some people who absolutely hate to swallow. Unfortunately, when you’re traveling at 60 miles per hour in a flying hunk of metal, anything else you try will just be a distracting mess. Take one for the team.

8. Watch out for biting!

One bad pothole and you might end up doing some … permanent damage.

9. Don’t get too distracted

While road head is inherently distracting, try to keep the driver’s focus on the road. The last thing you want is an accident, which is a huge, awkward pain for everyone involved.

Dong Burgundy is a student at Cornell. Comments may be sent to [email protected]. Afternoon Delight appears periodically  this semester.