March 10, 2017

SEX ON THURSDAYS | A Guide to DILFing

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It’s 2 P.M. under the blistering West Coast sun. My friend and I are putting peach and baby pink lipstick on each other, our lashes are full, our teeth are flossed and our hair is big. We enter the DILFing complex that is … Home Depot.

I know what you’re thinking: “you can’t be serious … you didn’t actually go into Home Depot to pick up hot Dads.” But, my friend, you underestimate the power of a virgin’s horniness. There’s something about older men, and I’m not talking late 20’s, but rather late 30’s and early 40’s that really turns me on. Think about it: they know exactly what they’re doing, they’re over all the college bullshit, and they are obsessed with youthful girls. How many of them spend their days jerking off to “18 and Abused” porn videos? It’s just a principle — a truth — that older men crave younger girls. We have perkier boobs, we’re not complaining as much and we’re naïve as hell.

My friend and I had a little game we would play in Home Depot. We would scope out the scene, push our boobs up and start to make eye contact with any hot DILFs. Some of them would even be with their kids, which kind of put me off. But in all honesty, the immense satisfaction we would receive from a chiseled archaic god looking us up and down and imagining a threesome waived all feelings of guilt and unease. I wouldn’t say we did this for a confidence boost (although that was surely a byproduct), but rather, we were thrilled with the idea of making these men go crazy just by looking at us. For one, the selection of women at Home Depot is severely limited, so that probably just made us even more desirable. Secondly, most of the men in there are true, backyard building, kitchen upgrading DILFs. Not like those sad men on a Wednesday night in a college bar trying to hit on young girls. The feeling of someone else’s yearning is sexually intense. And I chase it.

I’ll never forget the time I was sitting in Madison Square Park in New York City on a sunny summer day, minding my own business being pensive as hell. Then I noticed an Italian family — the most picturesque family I had ever seen. The daughter was beautiful, definitely going to be a looker when she grows up. The mom was the most fashionable middle-aged women with the nicest blowout I had ever seen.  But the dad … the dad was what really caught my eye. His bright blue eyes locked with mine as I was caught staring at his silver hair, driving me crazier than mercury. For the next 30 minutes, we would continuously exchange glances, and I just couldn’t stop imagining us in a hotel room getting it on. I could see in his eyes that longing for something else, that his beautiful storybook family wasn’t quite enough. It was too static, too repetitive.

I know how something like this can turn into a mindset of a homewrecker, and I would never want to be that or do anything to sacrifice a family’s happiness. I just think it’s important to realize that these tendencies do exist, and it takes every fiber of my being to not act upon them. I’m serious, DILFing is a real thing. You just have to keep you eye out, and you’ll notice this phenomenon is more common than you would think — it’s not just reserved for the homewrecker character on a reality TV show.

 

Anita Bone is a student at Cornell University. Sex on Thursday runs every other Thursday. Comments may be sent to associate-editor@cornellsun.com

  • CA

    How is it that this writer becomes more insufferable with every new article. I mean, Sex on Thursdays have always been bad, but this one takes the cake. Maybe have someone who actually has sex write these columns, rather than someone who sneakily reads the naughty bits of paperback novels in the library.

  • Great article, good luck….