Thinking about writing this week’s column stressed me out even more than my three prelims combined. Truth is, I have no sexy sex story for this week. I’ve been going through a frustrating, disappointing and wretched couple of weeks: a dry spell. All of this time, I had thought dry spells were either a myth or an excuse lazy people use to avoid coitus, but it turns out, they truly can happen to anybody.
Now, I stand here before you with the credibility of a bankrupt financial advisor. To be fair, I have learned a lot during this quiet period of my life. For one, I can now find my G-spot in less than 10 seconds, which will surely come in handy when I’m in bed with a real-life human again. Nevertheless, I’ve had to get creative to make this less-than-fruitful time pass by as quickly as possible. From chronic crankiness to an occasional mental sex-capade in the middle of class, these trying times have taught me that involuntary celibacy is a force to be reckoned with, but as bad as it may get, it is better to deal with that horror than to settle with an inadequate lover.
Lucky for me, I see the light at the end of the tunnel with a prospective fuck this weekend. As grateful as I am for this character-building, meta, spiritual time, I’m ready to flood this Sahara Desert. But for anyone still dealing with chronic dry spell, here are my top 30 adventures to try during a dry spell.
- Get angry for no reason
- Download Tinder, Bumble, Hinge and Grindr
- Flake on a date
- Go to Fishbowls to see excessive PDA
- Read a book
- Decide reading a book is too much work and binge Netflix
- Watch porn
- Watch more porn
- Develop a surprising fetish (Hentai, anyone?)
- Begin to grow a small forest down there
- Nurture it
- Get an STD test
- Go to a Juggling Club meeting to feel some balls
- Send a nude
- Actively complain about your dry spell
- Buy a new vibrator
- Masturbate some more
- Begin to find the weirdo in your psych class cute
- Fantasize about the next time you have sex during lecture
- Get a massage to remember what it’s like to get felt up
- Forget to close your porn tab and open your laptop in the middle of class
- Regret the last time you said no to having sex
- Go on a run to get your cardio in
- Experiment and find your G-spot
- Craft the perfect sex playlist for when you finally get some
- Buy Ben Wa balls and do kegels at the library
- Flirt with Happy Dave
- Attend a human bonding lecture to figure out how to get laid
Veuve Cliq-Hoe is a student at Cornell University. Fire & Ice and Cherries in the Snow runs monthly.