March 6, 2019

SEX ON THURSDAY | Thirty Things to Do During a Dry Spell

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Thinking about writing this week’s column stressed me out even more than my three prelims combined. Truth is, I have no sexy sex story for this week. I’ve been going through a frustrating, disappointing and wretched couple of weeks: a dry spell. All of this time, I had thought dry spells were either a myth or an excuse lazy people use to avoid coitus, but it turns out, they truly can happen to anybody.

Now, I stand here before you with the credibility of a bankrupt financial advisor. To be fair, I have learned a lot during this quiet period of my life. For one, I can now find my G-spot in less than 10 seconds, which will surely come in handy when I’m in bed with a real-life human again. Nevertheless, I’ve had to get creative to make this less-than-fruitful time pass by as quickly as possible. From chronic crankiness to an occasional mental sex-capade in the middle of class, these trying times have taught me that involuntary celibacy is a force to be reckoned with, but as bad as it may get, it is better to deal with that horror than to settle with an inadequate lover.

Lucky for me, I see the light at the end of the tunnel with a prospective fuck this weekend. As grateful as I am for this character-building, meta, spiritual time, I’m ready to flood this Sahara Desert. But for anyone still dealing with chronic dry spell, here are my top 30 adventures to try during a dry spell.

  1. Yell
  2. Get angry for no reason
  3. Download Tinder, Bumble, Hinge and Grindr
  4. Flake on a date
  5. Go to Fishbowls to see excessive PDA
  6. Read a book
  7. Decide reading a book is too much work and binge Netflix
  8. Watch porn
  9. Masturbate
  10. Watch more porn
  11. Develop a surprising fetish (Hentai, anyone?)
  12. Begin to grow a small forest down there
  13. Nurture it
  14. Get an STD test
  15. Go to a Juggling Club meeting to feel some balls
  16. Send a nude
  17. Actively complain about your dry spell
  18. Buy a new vibrator
  19. Masturbate some more
  20. Begin to find the weirdo in your psych class cute
  21. Fantasize about the next time you have sex during lecture
  22. Get a massage to remember what it’s like to get felt up
  23. Forget to close your porn tab and open your laptop in the middle of class
  24. Regret the last time you said no to having sex
  25. Go on a run to get your cardio in
  26. Experiment and find your G-spot
  27. Craft the perfect sex playlist for when you finally get some
  28. Buy Ben Wa balls and do kegels at the library
  29. Flirt with Happy Dave
  30. Attend a human bonding lecture to figure out how to get laid

Veuve Cliq-Hoe is a student at Cornell University. Fire & Ice and Cherries in the Snow runs monthly.