I don’t view myself as super sexually well-versed, but I thought I had enough experience under my belt that I would know what I’m doing. I didn’t expect to get nervous, scared or uncomfortable hooking up with someone because I believed I had already worked through the majority of my firsts. But as it turns out, everytime I’m with someone new, it’s like a first time all over again. That’s not a bad thing, but as I’ve had more firsts in the last few weeks, it caught me off guard and left me a little confused. And the more I thought about my most recent first, the more I thought about all of my firsts. So without further ado, here is a list of some of my experiences:
My first kiss
I’ve never heard of someone’s first kiss being not awkward. And everyone’s first question about it is “But where do my teeth go?” Honestly, I haven’t been able to figure out the answer to that. But my first kiss was classic middle school, which means my main goal was to make sure my lips didn’t get caught in his braces. They didn’t! But there weren’t any fireworks or orchestra music in the background, so it didn’t meet all my expectations.
My first Netflix and chill
Freshman year of college, someone I had been talking to asked me to come over and watch a movie. For the entire movie, we sat about six inches away from each other, and when we realized the movie ended and neither of us made a move, we started a TV series. Two and a half hours later he put his arm around me. We eventually hooked up, but I bet it took another hour or so for that to happen.
My first dance floor make out
Even though I had a little alcohol in me at the time, I was incredibly nervous. I didn’t know where my hands would go or how I would know it was the right time for someone to make a move. I remember it not feeling as new or strange as I imagined, but it tasted salty and sweaty. At the end I asked what his name was because it was really important to me at the time, and I spent the next week trying to figure out if it was the same guy that sat across from me in Spanish class. I still have no idea.
My first time kissing a girl
I expected this to feel a lot more different than it actually did. Unfortunately, I just didn’t enjoy kissing girls as much as I’d hoped and expected to. But I’d be lying if I said my bicurious heart wasn’t bummed about it afterwards.
My first sober kiss
Okay, to be fair, my first kiss back in middle school was also a sober kiss. But I’m referencing when I had my first sober kiss in over a year. I was so incredibly anxious that I spent the evening trying to recall the “first kiss tips” I read in some Seventeen article five years ago. I even considered doing two shots beforehand, but decided against it. Turns out first sober kisses, for me, feel different than first drunk kisses. I was worried that I wouldn’t like the second, third or fourth either. Fortunately, that’s not the case.
The truth is, we place a lot of emphasis on our firsts. Whether it’s a first kiss or a first time, it seems so monumental. And sometimes it can seem as if it’s something that defines the rest of our experiences. But as I’ve learned, we never run out of firsts. We can remember them as really meaningful events or we can forget that some of our firsts even happened. We can even get re-do’s. And even if I never have the classic Princess Diaries “foot pop,” I’m looking forward to what all my future firsts have in store.
Sexless in Seattle is a student at Cornell University. The Virgin Diaries runs monthly.