Everyone who knows me knows that I like to talk, and that I especially like to talk loudly about inappropriate things at inappropriate times and places. As one of my good friends once drunkenly slurred to me, I say “a whole lot of outta pocket shit.” Normally, this just gives me a reputation as someone that you probably shouldn’t introduce to your parents when they come visit, as well as the best person to tell any tea to if you want it spread as quickly and widely as possible. However, being known for being down to talk about anything, anytime, anywhere, has also lead to some more unforeseen consequences.
When my best friend texted me one otherwise uninteresting Sunday in April last year asking for advice, I assumed it would be along the lines of how to do the homework for one of our shared classes or that he and his girlfriend were fighting and he needed me to decode a text. What I wasn’t expecting was for him to ask me how to pick a third for a threesome. When I wanted to know why he was coming to me with this, he simply said that I seemed like the person to ask.
On reflection, he wasn’t wrong. Ever since I had my first threesome way back in the day my freshman spring, I’ve talked about it at any chance I could. It’s my go-to Step the Fuck Up choice (like Never Have I Ever, but better), and drunk me certainly loves it as a conversation starter. So really, it makes sense that I was the person that my friend came to. Except then, people kept coming to me.
First it was someone that my initial advice-seeking friend recommended me to. Then someone else. And another person. Once my best friend from home hit me up saying that she and her boyfriend wanted to spice things up and did I have any recommendations on how to ask their potential third, I realized that I’d become something of an expert on doing the do with three people. Of course, I wasn’t just giving advice, but continuing to have the odd threesome every now and then. If I was to become the local expert, I had to stay up-to-date of course. The perks of being a so-called unicorn include getting the “you down?” text on a surprisingly regular basis, and I’m pretty much always down.
As my experience grew, so did my expertise. While all of my threesomes have been two girls, one guy, I’ve played pretty much every role possible, from being half of a couple trying something new to being the stranger there for one night and one night only. I’ve learned a lot since I first slipped between the sheets with two other people, and so now, without further ado, I present this unicorn’s best advice for having the threesome of your dreams.
Pick your people wisely. Obviously, if you wouldn’t hook up with the person normally, you probably shouldn’t have a threesome with them. Beyond that, however, everyone involved should be comfortable with everyone else. If you and your significant other want to have a threesome, have one with someone you’re both attracted to!
This leads into the second piece of advice that I have: Talk about it first. Talk about it so much that you’re almost sick of it. Make sure everyone knows each other and is comfortable with each other. Before I had my first threesome, it featured as a regular part of dirty talk between me and the guy I was seeing, which meant that by the time it actually happened we both had clear ideas of what specific things we wanted to do.
On the other hand, don’t get too firm in your expectations. Three people means more variables and more things that could potentially get weird or go wrong. Roll with it! It’s supposed to be a fun experience and so the end goal should be everyone having fun, not living out some perfect pre-planned fantasy.
Don’t make anyone feel left out. No one wants to be alone on the sidelines watching other people get down, so be sure to spread the love. That’s the whole point!
A note for couples: A threesome is not going to solve your relationship problems. If you’re fighting before the threesome, chances are you’re still going to be fighting after the threesome. Try actually talking about your problems instead.
While some of this advice may be more or less useful than other parts of it, my goal is just to illuminate people on how much fun getting freaky with three people can be. And if anyone is ever looking for your favorite local unicorn to try it out with, you know where to find me.
Dixie Normous is a student at Cornell University. Between the Sheets runs monthly this semester. Sex on Thursday appears every other Thursday.