Scrunchies and mom jeans aren’t the only trends that are making a large resurgence in today’s day and age — astrology is also making a roaring comeback. Checking Co-Star to see our daily compatibility or listening to Spotify’s questionable “Horoscope Today” podcast is, whether you like it or not, a large part of many youngins’ routines. But what if you don’t want to hear about how you’re going to act or what you’re going to encounter that day, but instead you want to know what you’re going to be feeling at… night? Well you’ve come to the right place. As your resident sexual astrologist, I’ll be able to enlighten you with all that your heart, or genitalia, desires.
I thought it would be appropriate to begin with Virgo, since it is Virgo season after all. With its symbol being The Virgin these individuals unsurprisingly are, let’s just say, still in the sexually repressed stage of life — so basically any engineering major. Virgos are known to have a need to feel useful, aka be the ones to leave “I’m just a hole daddy” comments on TikTok thirst traps. Rarely though are these claims sustained with their heads too busy stuck in a book. Their problem is that they’re so good at having a quick fix for everything that they’ll cure their sparse horny episodes by wanking before they can get on Tinder and get some. Sorry Virgos this ain’t looking so good for you, maybe when Mercury is in retrograde it’ll get better? I don’t know.
Next, to spice things up a bit I thought of doing one of the flamey fire signs, Sagittarius. A telling Sag sign is the inability to have an indoor voice. Queue the fiery red TikTok lights because someone doesn’t know how to keep quiet in bed, and certainly not while Zeta Psi Chad blows your back out in your freshman dorm. I sure hope you don’t fall in love with them too because you’re pretty good at falling in love with your little no strings attached blow’n’gos. Hope gonorrhea doesn’t show up as a cute little parting gift! How about we focus a little more on self-improvement, which, in your current state, is obviously needed. Delete Tinder for say, a week. I know, the horror! How dare I. But I can see in the stars that a relationship is really what your crotch needs, not another round of pubic lice a la Lambda Chi Brad.
Okay now for a bit of a cool down and take a swim with the fishes and water sign, Pisces. So tell me little fishies, do mommy/ daddy and baby kinks sound right up your alley? Thought so. Y’all are so busy acting mature for your age one minute and then like a toddler the next that that follows you to sexy time. Your switch ass might want to be called daddy but we all know in like two minutes you’ll be sucking her nips like a baby calling her mommy. Yeah suck those mommy milkers little boy. Pisces also love to live in a fantasy so it’s no surprise role play is such an arouser. I wonder if our resident Pisces RBG ever brought her robe and gavel home to have some fun. Rest in peace you kinky icon.
You know what zodiac sign always pisses me off? Aquarius. It literally has water in its name and yet its element is air. Then it goes way out into left field with its symbol being the water bearer. Like what kind of ~avatar~ is that. Okay fucking Jack and Jill went up the hill. It really does fit Aquarius though because they’re always the most esoteric bitches, trying to use big words to impress others and be exclusive. Honey, you doubled your body count in the past month, I don’t think exclusive is the best word to describe you. Let me humble you some more with how Uranus is such an appropriate ruling planet for y’all, emphasis on ur-anus. The stars seem to inform me that you sure like to take it up the ass. I’m sorry, y’all would have to call it anal intercourse to make you sound smarter than the rest. Sorry babe, no sapiosexual is fooled by your act. Any Aquarius who goes to Cornell really needs to come to the realization that using big words doesn’t, in fact, make you special.
So my little beings floating through the cosmos, how are y’all fending. Called out? Butt hurt? Are you reflecting on your rendezvous? I really don’t expect any of you to change, I know better than to expect that. For those of you who were left out and feeling jealous, don’t worry, I’ll be back with more installments of Your Daily Whoreoscope. xoxo – a growing boy
A Growing Boy is a student at Cornell University. Comments can be sent to [email protected]. This is the first installment of Bottom’s Up, running during alternate Sex on Thursdays this semester.