February 14, 2024

SEX ON THURSDAY | F*ck First Dates

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The season of love is truly one of the most fun times of the year, with Perfect Match and dating apps sending me too many push notifications with discounted rates for their premium subscriptions — as if I was down that bad — it feels like the world is screaming to get people on a date for this love ridden day. 

For us singletons, Valentine’s day is regarded as an opportunity to go out with someone new — potentially a crush or someone you have met recently. Planning a first date around Valentine’s is also a great strategic choice, at least for those who believe love to be airborne and highly contagious during this time of the year. 

First dates can be awkward though, not knowing where to go, who should pay — never me that’s for sure — or how far one should go. Sure, most people would agree that if the date went well a smooch is appropriate. But to me, a smooch is simply not enough; I mean good first dates are so hard to come by, make sure you give them something to remember you — or multiple orgasms. 

Obviously f*cking a first date is not an isolated decision: Make sure your date is also eager to explore some more of you. In my experience though, I have never been turned down when I brought it up — Don’t let your shyness keep you from a great (or not so great, maybe even an nonexistent) orgasm. 

I know what you are thinking, “What will they think of me? I don’t want to seem easy.” While that is a fair objection to have, be honest with yourself… What kind of people read the smut of their anonymous classmates? Exactly. Besides, slut shaming should be a bright-red flag and should save you a couple headaches further down along the way. If you are still adamant about pretending to be a prude, you will be missing out on some of the best dates. 

This might be a red flag, but all of my relationships have started with a hook up during the first date. It is never super intentional — aside from a Grindr hook-up turned boyfriend — but it is a funny coincidence that it always starts that way. I find it a great learning experience, you can find out so much about a person from that first f*ck. Even if size doesn’t matter all that much,  it never hurts to know what you are working with from the beginning. 

More substantial things can come up while you are f*cking to the rhythm of your favorite hook-up tunes; whether they f*ck with the light on or off; whether they are a loud or quiet f*cker (both moaning and dirty talk); whether they can get a little rough or keep it vanilla; even what they do after you are done. All of these little details can tell you everything you need to know from their self-confidence to their relationship with sex — I’ve caught a lot of internalized homophobia that way. 

One of my favorite dates actually went just like that: We met up at his place and had a glass of wine while chatting about life and all sorts of things. One thing led to another and I ended up on my knees sucking it all the way to the base and giving him a ride he was talking about for weeks after — needless to say I got a second date after that. But he didn’t stop at just making sure I was satisfied. He cooked us both a great pasta dinner to enjoy with the leftover wine from earlier and played some music for me. If we had just said goodbye after exchanging a couple words I would have forgotten about that date already; that small sodomy intermission was the little push we needed to make it a nice memory to look back upon. 

While most of you make plans to meet up with your matches, be sure to leave your room — and your holes and poles — nice and clean in case your date wants to go back home with you. Who knows, maybe your perfect match is also waiting for that perfect f*ck. 

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