Alright freaks, it’s been a minute but I am officially c*mming back (and better than ever) for another semester of Annie Position’s bi-weekly hot (and spicy) Sex on Thursday. And what better way to revive a legacy than with the holiday that is simultaneously the sexiest and most celibate day of the year: Saint Valentine’s Day.
Since its commercialization, Valentine’s Day has become inherently multi-faceted. For the happily taken, it is a day of love and intimacy; For the unhappily taken, a day of high expectations and subsequent disappointment. For the recently heartbroken, a minefield of emotional distress and for situationships, a manifestation of complicatedness. Regardless of any single attitude toward Valentine’s Day, my 20s have taught me that there appear to be far more people who despise and dread the holiday than those who look forward to it. I am not here to provide a hot take on why everyone should love the Day of Love, but I do want to talk about healthy spite, putting out what you wish to attract and attitude adjustment.
First of all, the origins of Saint Valentine’s Day are not all pink hearts and passionate sex. Classics majors, please correct me if I am wrong, but for a while the Ancient Romans actually designated Feb. 13-15 as a festival which celebrated literally beating the f*ck out of women with the hides of freshly slain animals — they thought it would improve fertility. While some might still be into that today, that practice is definitely not the way the holiday is currently commercialized. So keep in mind, at its roots, this day is weird.
When you see happy couples strolling down the pink-and-red rose-petaled streets during the month of February, there is a huge difference between internal frustration and external expression of that frustration. You and I have every right to a mental eye-roll, but unfortunately, it is not really within our bounds to verbalize disgust, orally or digitally; That’s just rude. Instead, it is kinder to try and empathize. Reflect on a time you’ve been in love; it was probably just as disgusting. If you haven’t been in love, perhaps Valentine’s resentment comes from a place of wanting the things we assume we can’t have. But Valentine’s Day is not people who are in love intentionally shoving their love down the throats of those who are not. It only feels that way to those of us who are hypersensitive to public displays of affection: It’s a time to self-reflect instead of being bothered. Don’t be a hater, it is ugly. Keep that sh*t inside and throw a Galentine’s Day (or Male-entine’s Day?) to celebrate the love that is present for you.
I’m not saying you have to go to the most romantic restaurant in town on Feb. 14 and reclaim the day (if that’s your prerogative, all the more power to you). If staying in and crying with chocolate and a romcom works, beautiful. And if the best way to heal is by pinning your ex’s face onto a dartboard, no one is ever too old for that behavior. Just don’t resort to internet trolling or trying to tinge someone else’s celebration of love. Ladies, throw that vibrator on the charger. Might I suggest Paloqueth.com? Guys, I don’t have an extensive knowledge per-se on the artistry of the pocket pussy, but something tells me you’ve got this one down to a science.
All this to say, there is a way to get through this holiday without outwardly taking intimate and sexual frustration out on others. Go home, craft some from-scratch pesto gnocchi, rub one out and move on with your life; It’s just another cold, gray February evening.
At the end of the day, do you know what the Universe does to people who hate on other people’s joy? It fucks them. And in the case of Valentine’s Day, not in the way we’re looking for.
Peace and love,
Annie Position, Single this V-Day
Annie Position is a student at Cornell University. Comments can be sent to [email protected]. The Sin Series runs during alternate Sex on Thursdays this semester.
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